How I Will Elevate Lululemon

For those who are not up-to-date on my compelling and exciting life, I have recently relocated to Halifax to live with a boy I met on a boat.  I have no regrets, however, I am finding the job search to be a little discouraging.  Thus far, my most consistent gig has been teaching outdoor yoga on the harbour every evening that it doesn’t rain.  So about once a week.  The experience has been joyful and picturesque, but certainly the job security is pretty terrible.  Because I would like to contribute more to my household than cheap toilet paper, I decided to offer my services selling expensive pants that make everyone’s butt look awesome, especially in Padangusthasana.  So I filled out an application to work at the local Lululemon store.  I have absolutely no retail experience, but I’m banking on my charm and good looks.  In addition, I’m pretty sure that my responses to “The Top Eleven Things that Lululemon Wants to know About Me” are Irresistible.  Let me know what you think! 

Question One, Lululemon:  A goal you've achieved that you're proud of (Personal, Professional or Health)?   

Answer, Me:  I wrote an epistolary novel with my ex-boyfriend, the one I didn’t meet on a boat. We wrote a version our novel in both French and English.  The French version is called, Le petit sauvage et l’ermite.    This means The Little Savage and the Hermit.  I am the little savage because I used to get a lot of cold sores and in French cold sores are “Les Feux Sauvages.”  The Savage Fires.  I am a little savage (fire).  We left out fire for the sake of catchiness.  My ex-boyfriend is the hermit because he doesn’t really like people except to have sex with them.  

While we were revising our novel, I took up watching the TV series “Breaking Bad.”  Perhaps you aren’t familiar with this show because you are too busy meditating and merging with God.  That’s unfortunate, since in that case, you probably haven’t learned that part of a broken plate is a valid weapon with which to kill someone and/or injure him severely.  These days, I haven’t been meditating or merging with God so I’ve learned from “Breaking Bad” that a broken plate holds that sort of potential.  And yet, I remain spiritually evolved enough to be aware of the fact the Lululemon would never hire anyone who murdered and/or severely injured someone with a broken plate.  Hence, during my many liquid-lunch-revision sessions with my ex-boyfriend-the-hermit, I never once considered throwing a plate across the room.  Not once.  I am immensely proud of this.  No one needs to mention that gin-and-tonics aren’t served on plates.

Question Two, Lululemon:  How have you elevated someone from mediocrity to greatness?

Answer, Me: Before I met this recent love-of-my-life on a boat, most of my boyfriends were fairly mediocre.  I elevated their existences with blowjobs. 

Question Three, Lululemon:   How will you elevate Lululemon?

Answer, Me:  My ass is truly excellent.  I’ll look AMAZING in your pants.  Unfortunately, I’ll have to pay for these pants in installments.  Never have I ever received compensation for my great ass. 
 

Great Ass in Hand-Me-Down Lululemon Shorts, with Hedgeclippers

Question Four, Lululemon: How would you spend an ideal day off with no financial limits?

Answer, Me:  The Happy Lululemon People Manifest that “Friends are More Important than Money.”  Although they’re probably right, I wouldn’t know because I just moved and I only have two and a half Halifax friends. These friends are probably tired of buying me coffees.  On my day with no financial limits, I will buy coffees for my two and a half Halifax friends.  They can have two coffees, if they want.  They can also have lattes and pastries and muffins.  I will buy my friends various vitamins to ingest with their muffins because we never know what small mineral will eliminate the bottleneck to a long life. After coffee and vitamins and muffins are done, I will breathe deeply and try and live in the moment.  I probably should have done that before I bought the muffins.  Once I am successfully living in the moment, I will hook myself up with two old-age pensions since Happy Lululemon People Manifest  that I mustn’t trust that an old-age pension will be sufficient.

And finally, I would pay for a lifetime supply of laser hair removal, so I can wear super short shorts like Kino MacGregor without having my pubes stick out.

 

friends are more important than money.

Question Five, Lululemon:  If you could high five anyone, who would it be and why?

Answer, Me:  Margaret Atwood, to congratulate her for her productive alternatives to rolling up her duvet and humping it.

And Kino MacGregor, for her great thighs and backbends and super short shorts.

 

Question Six, Lululemon:  Tell me a quote you live by:

Answer, Me:  “Children are the orgasm of life.  Make the appropriate exits.”

Question Seven, Me:  What are you most passionate about?

Answer, Me:  I am very passionate about my boyfriend who I met on a boat and left Montreal for. I also love his big black German Shepherd named Eliot who cherishes racoons with his teeth.  In addition, I am wholeheartedly committed to devising productive alternatives to rolling up my duvet and humping it. 
 

Me and the Big Black Dog, elevating our souls, with me in Luon

 

Question Eight, Lululemon:  What do you want to be remembered for?

Answer, Me:  My ass, my short shorts and my old age pension. 

 

Question, Nine, Lululemon:  What gets you up in the morning?

Answer, Me:  Yesterday it was because my diva cup leaked.  Today I awoke suddenly while dreaming about my eventual demise.  I like to mix things up.  . 

 

Question Ten, Lululemon:   What is the theme song of your life?

Answer, Me:  “Puff the Magic Dragon.”  It could be about weed and that’s very interesting.  Or it could have some political symbolism that I don’t understand.  I like the part about frolicking in the autumn mist.   I am pretty sure that Honalee is near the ocean. 

 

Question Eleven, Lululemon:  What is your favorite way to sweat?

Answer, Me:  By elevating someone else from mediocrity to greatness. 

My interview is Friday morning.  Once I’m hired, I’ll spread the word and we can figure out a good time for you to come and buy some pants!  Until then, you know the deal:  Dance, Sing, Floss and Travel!  May all of your sweat regenerate your skin, E. Xo.

The End.

 How I Will Elevate Lululemon, published on Recoveringyogi.com

Exuberant Bodhisattva on Facebook.
Twitter: @mypelvicfloor
I Let Go, a self-help book by Erica J. Schmidt
 
Part Two: The Group Interview
Why I am different from Margaret Atwood and what I don't gain from humping duvets
Why I am like Oprah

 

 

 

I Do Not Want Jesus's Love Today

This morning found me void of my usual defences.  My wonderful coastal boyfriend had taken our big black dog to the vet.  I hadn’t done my usual two hours of Ashtanga yoga, since I am shedding the internal lining of my uterus and I don’t want to subject myself to a nose bleed by inverting my pelvis.  And finally, I had spent more than five strenuous moments sifting through my sparse closet in attempts to determine which hand-me-down outfit was more likely to get me hired.  When the doorbell rang, I had decided on a mini-skirt, but had not yet gotten around to putting on underwear.  Thus, I arrived at the door with no big black dog, no yoga, no internal lining of my uterus, and no underwear.  I was ill-equipped. 

The visitors were two balding middle-aged men wearing ill-fitting casual dress-pants, button-up shirts, and light fall jackets.  It’s almost certain that there was underwear beneath their unflattering pants. The heavyset man in the front looked like the younger of the two.   The hair around his bald spot was just starting to go grey and his face was full and jolly.  The man in the back was paler, and thinner and more stooped over.

“Good morning,” said the man closest to the door. 

“Good morning,” I replied.  They must be looking for Rob, I thought.  He is important in these parts, whereas pretty much nobody around here knows about me.  Then again, they might be starting a new business.  Do they need business partners?  I have nothing to invest, but I do own one short skirt.  I could go door-to-door.

“We’re just walking around, visiting.  Talking to folks,” explained the older man in the back.   

“Oh, I see,” I said.  Then the two men pulled out their books.  Leather bibles that zipped and unzipped to reveal slick, flimsy pages with columns of writing.  “Oh, I see,” I said again.  Our exchange was not going to be lucrative. 

“We know people are very busy these days,” said the younger man in front.  Too busy for Jesus.  The man in the back stepped closer.

“I’m not busy,” I said flatly.  “I don’t work.” 

Both men flipped to the book of Revelation.  The younger man continued his spiel:  “Do you know the Bible at all?” he asked.

“I’ve read the Bible,” I answered.

These men didn’t know, but in the past I have made exceedingly thorough attempts to become a Christian.  At sixteen, I used to go on long bike rides, sacrificing a healthy body weight just to find Jesus.  At nineteen, I was baptized in the United Church.  I began a major in New Testament Studies.  Then I quit school and moved to a Catholic community for people with intellectual disabilities, in the hopes that Jesus would reveal himself as I cleaned toilets and changed diapers.  While I was living in the community, I attended Catholic mass twice a week for two years.  All this time I kept listening for “Jesus whispers,” the soft voice inside my heart, proclaiming “Erica, you are my beloved daughter.  With you, I am well pleased."  Inside my heart, there has never been any sound but the slow, steady swishing of blood.  It turns out that Jesus isn’t that pleased with me.  It turns out that Jesus loves me much less than he loves everyone else.  Jesus should have whispered this fact to the men at my doorstep.  They are wasting their time.  Today is a very bad day for a Revelation. 

“So you know about the apocalypse then?” asked the white-haired men at the back.

Swish, swish, went the blood inside my heart.  Drip, drip, went the blood from my uterine wall into the menstrual cup between my legs.  A cool breeze flew up my skirt.  I knew all about the apocalypse. I could not wait for the apocalypse.  I began to cry. 

“I don’t want to hear this right now,” I said.  And just like that, I became one of those repugnant human beings who close the door on the Jesus people. 

The End.

Exuberant Bodhisattva on Facebook
Twitter: @mypelvicfloor
I Let Go by Erica J. Schmidt

Menstrual Blood, Peanut Butter
How I Will Elevate Lululemon
Exalted
The Earth Will Shake Us Off Like Fleas

"How I feel about Kino Macgregor" or "Cosmic Love to Kino MacGregor's Thighs"

There has been a recent uproar of criticism of Kino MacGregor.  It seems as though Ashtangi Bloggers are maxing out on their one-percent theory.  Remember folks, ninety-nine percent practice, ONE percent theory.  One Percent.  I’m pretty sure Guruji didn’t mean for this theory to include your analysis on someone else’s short shorts.  But if we must talk about short shorts, I have a few things to say about this.  Kino has at least three reasons to wear the hot little shorts that she wears.  So here we go:  Un, deux, trois; Ekam Dwi, Trini; Insert your favourite language, (knowing that Sanskrit is definitely the superior choice):

1. Miami is hot.

2. Kino’s legs are hot

3. It is much harder to perform arm balances when you’re wearing shorts and your legs are all sweaty. 
 

“Cosmic Love to Kino MacGregor’s thighs.”
Kino in Bakasana

As everyone knows, your practice is an offering to the Supreme Divine Brahman.  If you require the traction of long Lululemon pants to get into Bakasana, well, everyone knows what that says about your Supreme Divine Offering.  If you’re lucky, no obnoxious blogger will say anything about it.  I say, “Cosmic Love to Kino MacGregor’s thighs.”

The Blogosphere has been particularly critical of the trailer to the TV show, “The Yoga Girls of Miami.”  The show was supposed to delve into the inner workings of the yoga studio, “Miami Life Center,” run by “yoga master” Kino MacGregor and a team of attractive and charismatic ladies.  The Highly Evolved Ashtangis of the Blogosphere have accused this video of being vain, flakey, self-inflating and excessively commercial.  Certainly, the tone of the trailer isn’t as down-to-earth as Kino’s wonderful articles and the audio podcasts of her excellent workshops.  But let us remember that this sort of thing is often scripted.  That is to say, Kino is probably not a self-proclaimed “yoga master.”  And even if she is, we all know that yoga is about Loving the Self.  As my grandmother, an extremely advanced yoga practitioner, regularly repeats, “If you don’t toot your own horn, no one else will.”  So toot away, Kino.  Toot away.  In any case, I feel like Kino’s underlying intention was to attract a more diverse audience, including tweens and entirely un-spiritual people who pollute their higher selves with corrupt indulgences such as reality television.  In all honesty, I’m pretty sure that if the show hadn’t been cancelled due to the malicious online feedback, I would have watched it religiously.  I’m okay with this fact, since honesty is one of the sought-after ethical precepts of the Ashtanga Yoga system.  I’ve got it in the bag.  Thanks be to God.  And to Kino.

Harsh judgment is also being passed about Kino’s Youtube channel. Here, Kino futures enlightening videos on how to access elusive asanas such as Marychasana D, Kapotasana, Scorpion Handstand, and my personal nemesis, Karandavasana.  If Kino were truly the egomaniac that bloggers are calling her, she would demonstrate these postures on her own, inserting cocky comments about your, the viewer’s, inability to honour the supreme divine Brahman by grabbing your ankles or maintaining your uddhiyana bandha.  As it is, Kino features models of all shapes and sizes, and remains extremely light-hearted and empathetic in her explanations of each posture presented in the videos.  I’m both a yoga teacher and Ashtanga practitioner, and to be honest once again, I find the videos to be rather useful.  Some of us don’t have the cash to fly around and follow Senior Ashtanga teachers on their international tours.  One day I hope to become an un-kept woman and meet Kino MacGregor in person.  But for now, I heart Youtube. 

My one-percent theory of the day is probably up, so I won’t go on for much longer.  However, I believe that as yogis who strive towards peace and compassion, we should be as generous in our thoughts and words, as Kino MacGregor is in her sharing of Ashtanga Yoga.

The End. 



Big Smile, Big Pose, Delightful Photo by AshtangaYogaItalia.com
This edition of Kinogate was published on Recoveringyogi.com
 
Exuberant Bodhisattva on Facebook
Twitter: @mypelvicfloor
I Let Go, self-help book by Erica J. Schmidt
 
The Benefits of an Ashtanga Yoga Practice, Part Two 
You Cling To Things Until They Die
Not Separate From All That Is
 

 
  

Life

Life isn't a death sentence.
Well it kind of is, but you know what I mean.

The End.

Day 69 of Not Puking in Your Mouth

Hope for Rumination Syndrome:  How to transform your esophagus into a one-way street.
(Alternate Title: Surely Regurgitated Foodstuffs Will Not Follow Me All The Days Of My Life.)

I recently received some fan mail from a lovely young lady who is embarrassed by her seemingly bizarre condition. My friend, Annabelle Gordon, chews and reswallows regurgitated foodstuffs for minutes and sometimes hours after she eats. Annabelle began her struggle with eating as early as 9, when she began to diet and over-exercise. At fourteen, she was taking laxatives, and at fifteen, she suffered from a full blown eating disorder, involving severe restriction, compulsive exercise, self-mutilation, as well as binging and purging. Her family intervened early on. Annabelle was hospitalized twice and underwent a four-month day-treatment program for adolescents with eating disorders. Over many years, Annabelle has worked to hard to maintain a healthy weight and eliminate most of her eating disorder symptoms. Unfortunately, she continues to struggle with rumination, an unusual but pervasive symptom that significantly diminishes her quality of life.

After talking to the experts, I discovered that there is much confusion around Rumination Syndrome. The condition is mainly seen in infants and people with intellectual disabilities or autism. Because it is so rare in other populations, Rumination Syndrome in adults is frequently mistaken for Bulimia. However, in Bulimia, the patient ALWAYS purges the regurgitated food/vomit, while in Rumination Sundrome, the food is most often reswallowed. Annabelle says that one of her doctors also dismissed her symptoms as Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disorder (GERD). But unlike GERD, the act of regurgitation in Rumination Syndrome is voluntary.

I believe that this is one of the reasons why Annabelle is so ashamed of her affliction. Who would intentionally vomit in her mouth over and over again? One would think that such an unpleasant experience would be easy to avoid. I beg to differ. Read on.

Dearest Annabelle. I urge you to put your shame on the shelf. True to its name, your condition is a syndrome. It is absolutely an illness and not a vice. You did not choose to perpetually endure vomit in your mouth any more than I chose the infected ingrown hairs which emerged following my last bikini waxing. Last week I taught yoga at a benefit for Breast Cancer Research. It would have been absurd for me to berate one of the survivors for having required a mastectomy. So too is it absurd for you to blame yourself for having rumination.

For some reason, in the area of mental illness, people tend to associate the illness with the patient. Alas, this fact impedes the most crucial ingredient to your recovery: self-esteem. No one ever flew to the moon by calling herself a piece of shit. In order to transform your esophagus into a one-way street, you must transform the way you see yourself. Hence, in the following list, along with some physical strategies which may help reduce your symptoms, I offer some suggestions on how you might learn to love and approve of yourself unconditionally.

1) Find your person. Choose someone, a shrink, counsellor, friend, family member, yoga teacher, barista or mail carrier who you can talk to about anything, no matter what. I don't want to get hokey or new age on you, but did you ever consider that there was something symbolic about always having vomit in your mouth and throat? Are there issues in your life you're afraid to talk about? Are you ruminating about something you're afraid to say? Practice communicating with someone you trust. It may also be useful to meditate on your throat chakra. Stimulate this chakra by repeating its beeja sound: HAM (pronounced HUM).

2.) While we're talking about chakras, you might want to bring your attention to your navel chakra. Among many other things, the navel, or manipura chakra governs our digestive organs. On an esoteric level, it is related to our ability to digest life. Therefore, dear Annabelle, you might examine your life to determine if it contains any indigestible elements. If this is the case, perhaps chanting the navel chakra sound "RAM" (pronounced RUM), will accelerate the elimination process. So too might digestive enzymes.

3) Relax around food. Eat slowly, without being neurotic about it. Eating too fast may aggravate your esophagus and digestive organs. Also, be sure to eat regularly and to eat enough. Often, rumination is used to compensate for undereating. It creates the illusion that the person is taking multiple bites of a certain food when really she is simply tasting the same morsel over and over again. Being well nourished will help reduce the tendency to prolong restrictive meals with rumination. Acquire the support you need in order to establish a healthy, eating routine. Try not to worry about getting fat. Send cosmic love from your heart to your thighs, and any other tortured body part. In time, you'll realize that they're as beautiful as diamonds.

4) Find healthy substitutions to ruminating. Typically, this does not involve drinking in solitude. That said, life's a bit much sometimes. Most of us require a safety net to run away to occasionally. Personally, I escape with my magic silver horse at least once a week. I also enjoy Grey's Anatomy in all its seasons. Perhaps you're more partial to musical theatre.

5) Although understandably, you probably wish that your esophageal transformation had occurred last Easter, try to have a moment-to-moment approach as you make these courageous and lifelong changes. When you and Rumination Syndrome finally part ways forever and ever Amen (which you will!), no ugly God is going to throw pizzas at you because you didn't do everything perfectly all at once. Your mistakes and stumbles are merely aberrations, but your moments of victory and transcendence remain forever etched upon your soul. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

Best of luck, dear Annabelle and let me know how it goes!

Much Love from the Exuberant Bodhisattva. 

The End.

 

 

Much Love from the Exuberant Bodhisattva.
Exuberant Bodhisattva on Facebook
Twitter: @mypelvicfloor

I Let Go, by Erica J. Schmidt

The Benefits of an Ashtanga Yoga Practice, Part Two
Are You Strong or Are You Skinny?
God Box

  

Holy Thursday.

Some yogis write about the way stars align.
Maybe I can do that tomorrow.
But today I am writing about what Jesus might have done over 2000 years ago.
And now all the Catholics are doing it.
Washing each other's feet.

I am not Catholic, I am vegetarian.

However, once upon a time I went to Catholic mass twice a week.
It was part of my job, but maybe deep down I wanted to be Catholic too.
This desire didn't work out. 
I didn't make a collage about it, and so the dream didn't come true.

The first time I was at a foot washing service,

I was astounded
and thought there was some mistake. 
Apparently, the disciples were also astounded.
They say that's what Jesus was going for.  The big shock.  Shock and awe. He was adamant.
And he had good bandhas.

There are many impressive stories about Jesus.

Water to wine,
Eyes for the blind,
Curing the leper.  (Pattabhi Jois did that too!)
But maybe the most important thing Jesus ever showed us was to stay low to the ground.
And not for you, for someone else.
Stay low to the ground,
And you can be a little like God.

The End.

Notes from 2016:

I don’t remember being so vocal about God back then.

 I don’t remember a moment when I suddenly felt less convinced about God.
And ended up talking about God less.
How do I feel about God now? I’m not sure.
Probably I still agree with staying low to the ground for someone else.

Exuberant Bodhisattva on Facebook

Twitter: @mypelvicfloor 
I Let Go 

 

The Earth Will Shake Us Off Like Fleas

Exalted 

My Life's Purpose

Not Separate From All That Is

SPRINGTIME GRANOLA: The Cereal Personality Quiz

Springtime often comes with the urge to do a complete overhaul of your life.  Perhaps you feel compelled to sell all your clothes, fly across the world and live in a muddy pond.  As the snow melts and warm breezes flood you, seemingly excellent ideas arise.  Although there is a seed of wisdom within every impulse, no enormous decision should be made without a minimal level of self-awareness.  Friends who were able to attend my Granola Party last year are good to go.  Read no further.  Fly away to a muddy pond.  But if you were so unfortunate as to miss out, this revealing quiz is for you!  A reminder that this is not a contest and God loves all cereal personality types equally.   Thus, there is no need for cheating!!!  Good luck!

   
TEST YOUR CEREAL PERSONALITY TYPE.  GAIN DELIGHT AND INSIGHT

 

1.     On a camping trip, limited to one staple delicacy, you are most likely to choose:

A)      Hot Dogs.

B)       SMORES-Ask PETE LAVOIE if you don’t know what those are.

C)       French Toast.

D)      Bagels and Cream Cheese.

E)       Spirulina Hemp Energy Bars.

F)       Whatever is locally available.

2.       The worst place to get a zit is:

A)  The unspeakable location.

B)  Between your armpit and your nipple.

C)  On your ass.

D)  On your hairline.

E)  In your ear.

F)  On your forehead.

3.       The most awesome Sesame Street character is:

A)      The puppet with the pink face who played the piano.  Betty Lou or Mary Sue or something along those lines.

B)       Cookie Monster.

C)       Oscar the Grouch.

D)      Susan the deaf lady.

E)       Elmo.

F)       The Count.

4.       For you, the optimal offspring would be

A)      A tambourine and a triangle.

B)       A budgie and a jar of ants.

C)       A girl and a boy.

D)      Two girls and one boy.

E)       One girl and two boys.

F)       Six rabbits.

5.       When you were a kid, your favourite fairy tale was

A)      Beauty and the Beast.

B)       Jack and the Beanstalk.

C)       The Little Mermaid.

D)      Snow White.

E)       Hansel and Gretel.

F)       Peter Pan.

6.       The body part which causes you the most grief is

A)Testicles or Ovaries.
B) Hair.
C) Nose.
D) Intestines large or small.
E) I am unconditionally hot, like Peter Lavoie.
F) A proportional issue such as bum-to-breast ratio.

NE TRICHEZ PAS!!!  DON'T CHEAT!  For best results, scroll down...

FOR YOUR RESULTS, COUNT HOW MANY OF EACH LETTER YOU OBTAINED AND TURN THE PAGE!!!

MOSTLY A’s:  CONGRATULATIONS, you are CORN POPS.  Deeply connected to your core values, you radiate lighthearted yet very profound wisdom. Though sometimes taken for granted, you are truly a treasure in any workplace or social setting.

MOSTLY B’S:  CONGRATULATIONS, you are REESE COCOA PUFFS.  Aesthetics and sensory experiences are  important to you.  Some may resent your poise, beauty and style, but focus on those who appreciate your talents.  You are delicious and lots of fun.

MOSTLY C’s:  CONGRATULATIONS, you are BRANFLAKES.  Your priorities lie in making sure that life runs smoothly and efficiently.  You avoid confrontations, but secretly long for something that appears beyond your reach.  Take heart though friend, you may be mistaken.

MOSTLY D’s:  CONGRATULATIONS, you are FRENCH TOAST CRUNCH.  You prefer things to be contained in crisp, compact squares.  But don’t be mislead or misleading by this simplicity.  Often your alleged “low-maintenance persona disguises an agonizing perfectionism.  Just ask Snow White.

MOSTLY E’s SLASH A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING:  CONGRATULATIONS’ you are GRANOLA.  You grace the planet with your confident and sexy presence.  However, beware of your tendency to become narcissistic and selfish.  Strive for humility.  People like that.

MOSTLY F’s:  CONGRATULATIONS, you are OATMEAL.  Warm and practical, you don’t want things to be more complicated than they have to be.  That said, you possess idealistic spiritual aspirations and long to transcend superficial trivialities.  Don’t waste your time on internet dating sites. 

FINAL NOTE:  Celebrate your brand new, crucial insight by creating a poem, story, song, painting and/or papier maché construction about how it feels to be your respective cereal personality.  Then take a bath.  Then send me what you made so I can decorate my new pond. XOM.
 


Exuberant Bodhisattva on Facebook
Twitter: @mypelvicfloor
I Let Go, by Erica J. Schmidt

The Ocean Invertebrate Personality Quiz
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