Yesterday-Interview Day- began in an elevated fashion.
I awoke at five, caffeinated, and biked to the Ashtanga Yoga Shala. In
honour of the sun who is planning to progressively disappear over the next
three months, we did 108 sun salutations. I concluded the practice with
some backbends, a forward bend, a shoulderstand, a headstand, and a short,
tripped out savasana. Then I rushed into the shower and began my
ten-minutes-to-hotness routine.
When I am a Lululemon educator, I will know the difference
between the tata and muffin-top tucking features of my hand-me-down Lulu
getups. But for now, I can only describe my clothing choices as very
short black shorts and a black tank top in which it is very difficult to
breathe in, even for people with very small tits. (If I were in charge of the tank
top names, I would call it the CITTA: the Chaturanga
Inflicted Ta Ta Answer .) I wore my bright blue, five-finger vibram
shoes. Besides being chronically infused with foot odour and athlete’s
foot bacteria, these shoes make me look like a bright blue, stretched out
ape. I wore them anyways because they are an excellent conversation
starter.
 |
The Outfit and the Shoes
Yoga Pose = Chaturanga with Grimace |
Conveniently, Lululemon is located right underneath the
Ashtanga Yoga Shala so once I completed my extensive grooming routine, I didn’t
have far to travel. There were ten other candidates at the interview, all
girls, all wearing a unique combination of thigh-loving, muffin-smashing,
tata-constricting goodness. We sat on yoga mats, arranged in a hexagon,
underneath the men’s rain gear. (You never know when a torrential
downpour might burst onto your Downward Dog.) The two store managers
welcomed us and explained that this hexagon represented a safe place to share
and be open. Within the yoga mats, we need not be afraid of speaking with
intention, and expressing our emotions. They went on to introduce us to
the grassroots and values and culture of Lululemon. Turns out that Lulu
is all about culture and not so much about pants. This is a relief, since
as we’ve already established, I know nothing about pants.
For our first interview question we were asked to describe
our background, our passions and what we hoped to gain in working for
Lululemon. I listened with as much intent and compassion as I could,
beginning in lotus position and switching to modified cow-faced legs when my
vibramed feet went numb. Since the yoga-mat hexagon was a safe and
confidential setting, I cannot tell you about the candidate who began to cry
whilst speaking of her crushed Olympic dreams. When it came to my turn, I
did my best to be brief and speak with intention. A friend of mine who
had already undergone the interview process (and been rejected) had advised me
to refrain from saying anything dark and sarcastic. These guidelines left
me pretty quiet and inhibited. Unfortunately, a few unfiltered one-liners may
still have escaped...
 |
| Cow-Faced Legs. I always wondered what part was the cow's face. |
I became mildly uncomfortable about an hour into the
interview when the managers brought up the topic of goal-setting. With
joy and enthusiasm and hope, everyone else described their dreams of becoming
doctors and losing weight and climbing Mount Kilmanjaro. My lotus legs
got increasingly achy. Goals stress me out. Typically, my goals
have been vague and unachieved. I rarely write them down. If I
don’t get hired at Lululemon, this will be why. I feel like I don’t
possess the insight and wisdom to accurately envision what will make me happy.
I explained my situation to the store manager.
“You know in twelve-step programs, when they say, ‘life
won’t give you what you want, but what you need?’” Realizing my mistake
in mentioning a twelve-step program, I quickly added, “I mean, not that I go to
twelve-step programs. I just find them interesting. They’re my
passion?”
I switched my legs from lotus to cow-face and looked to the
ground. Maybe I should have been honest and told her about the time
I went to a twelve-step program and quit puking in my mouth. Maybe not.
The last interview question dealt with our “opportunities
for elevation.” Lululemon culture celebrates strength, but it also
rejoices at the prospect of reducing mediocrity in its employees. The
process is apparently intensely satisfying.
Likely the best opportunity-for-elevation goes something
along the lines of:
“I’m entirely committed to achieving the highest level of
greatness that I can and often my friends feel inferior to me.”
“I’m so giving and selfless that I never take time for
myself.”
Unfortunately, by the time my turn came along, these
excellent answers were already used up. Digging deep into my vast supply
of elevation opportunities, I came up with:
“Um, yah, I never ask for what I want because I don’t think
I deserve it and then I cover up my dissatisfaction with chronic
self-deprecation and sarcasm.”
The blonde store manager wore a bright fushia shawl that
announced the Lululemon Manifesto in bold, white handwritten letters.
“Mediocre is as close to the bottom as it is to the top, and will give you a
lousy life,” the Manifesto proclaimed. The blonde store manager asked me
why I didn’t believe I deserved what I wanted. There was a long silence
during which my usual sarcastic brilliance eluded me.
“Uh, I don’t know,” I said. I felt like something
exceedingly awkward and embarrassing was about to happen.
“Maybe there was a situation from your childhood when you
asked for what you wanted and didn’t get it?” No, this wasn’t true.
I’ve discussed this very same matter in twelve-step meetings. My
childhood was shamefully un-traumatic. The awkward and embarrassing
moment was now nearly inevitable. Shifting out of cow-faced legs and into
lotus, I articulately shrugged my shoulders.
“It must be really difficult for you to develop close
relationships if you’re sarcastic and cold all the time,” said the blonde
manager. She was right. It was intensely difficult. Nobody
liked me. I was far too obnoxious to have any friends.
I looked at the blonde sales manager with desperately wide
eyes. The awkward and embarrassing thing had taken place. I was
crying and there was no traumatic childhood or shattered Olympic dream to
justify it.
The sales manager congratulated me for finally making
eye-contact after an hour and a half of standoffish one-liners. She consoled me
by confessing to crying last night while watching Grey’s Anatomy. Without
regaining any composure, I nodded, released my legs and sat on my knees like a
normal person.
Tomorrow, I’ll receive an email stating whether or not I’ll
be called into a one-on-one interview where we’ll further discuss my elevation
potential. Before we left, the managers reminded us that rather than
taking it as a rejection, those who fail to make the cut should view the
outcome as, “not now.” We were encouraged to apply again and again, using
each attempt as an opportunity to elevate ourselves further and further away
from mediocrity. I’ll be sure to keep this in mind.
The End.
