Finally and undoubtedly I feel grateful for my life.

March 18, 2011.

Me and my Cool Friend Fern

vowed that from this day forward
we’d refrain from puking
in our mouths
or in the toilet.


A day or two later
Fern called me
In desperation.

I was eating

an obscene amount of cantaloupe.


“Get over here,”
she said.
“I need you.”

So I went to her house
in Saint Henri
and hung out with Fern
and her emotionally fragile dogs
who drooled and farted
as Fern and I 
ate our favourite versions
of non-hazardous
green and brown foods.


I remember falling asleep

on the fresh clean white sheets

of her king's sized bed

with the television on,
the dogs snoring,
and Fern downstairs
sipping hot beverages
and perfecting
her next great advertising pitch.


By the time
it was morning
I think I had
a cold sore.


Day One,
Day Two,
Day Thirty-Three.


Day One Hundred and Seventeen.

One Year and Twenty-Nine Daysé

Four Years and Eighty-Six Days.
March 18, 2017.


Sometimes I find myself
waiting for my prize.


I guess the prize
is no more vomit.


Though every now and then I still vomit in my head
and instead of at the sun
upon the world,
my eyes keep looking at the wall.


Once I had a therapist
who thought I seemed to struggle
with life's less exciting moments
such as putting on
my pyjamas.


This does not seem
to be true
anymore
even if
I'm still me
and still here.


Emotional Digestion
is not always Spectacular,
but I love
to put on my pyjamas.
And usually,
once or twice a week,
I have the pleasant thought
that finally
and undoubtedly
I feel grateful for my life.

The End.

I love
to put on
my pyjamas.
These pyjamas
are for sale.



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Why I am like Oprah.
What does it mean to be well
Mythological Unconditional Love

Supersize versus Superskinny: A Spiral of Shame

Readers, I’m sorry.  My mind has gone dull and I’m totally ashamed.  I blame it on Lady Gaga.  A week or so ago, she announced to the world that she has endured a lifelong struggle with anorexia and bulimia.  At the time of her great announcement, it was evening and the Boatman was working late.  Instead of following  James Altucher’s Seven Habits for Highly Effective Mediocre People, I made the evolved decision of going on Facebook.  There I learned that in response to someone calling her fat, Lady Gaga launched a movement called “Body Revolution.”  

Lady Gaga poses for “Body Revolution.”

Lady Gaga’s movement is a forum on Lady Gaga’s webpage meant to promote body acceptance.  People post photos and stories about their struggles to adopt a positive body image, be they due to eating disorders, illnesses, disabilities, or whatever reason.  Clicking away I travelled from one article about Lady Gaga to another.  Miraculously, my psyche remained undamaged despite the fact that Lady Gaga is 26 years old just like me and like Kiera Knightley (also my age), she has accumulated heaps more fame and success than me and my sad blog and self-help book. 
 
In case you forgot, the moral of the heartbreaking I-wish-I-was-kiera-knightley story was:
 
We all have high vaginas.  Me, you, Kiera, Knightley, Lady Gaga.  Everybody.
 
Here’ s my High Vagina.  Again.  



Me and my High Vagina at the Boatman's mother's cottage

But a twist of fate occurred when I came across the site, “Healthy is the new skinny.”  Like Lady Gaga’s cause, this site also promotes positive body image.  It also seems to advocate for realistic and healthy models in the media.  Wonderful. I’m all about this.  Healthy is the new skinny has a section of videos from Youtube and beyond.  Some of them feature people sharing their own journey towards body acceptance.  Others contain different news stories about disturbing diets, stereotypes and the fact that if Barbie a real person, with her disproportionate body, she’d suffer horrendous back pain and be hard-pressed to walk.  I like this sort of thing, so I kept scrolling down and clicking.

Then I came across a British reality television show called

“Supersize vs Superskinny.”  The whole thing’s on Youtube.
 
As the title suggests, the show profiles a “diet swap”  between one morbidly obese person and a waif-like, usually eating disordered person.  For five days, the large person will eat the emaciated person’s measly diet, while the poor person who’s used to eating nothing has to stuff his or her face with the multi-caloried mountains of food that the big eater consumes every day.

As someone who used to have a litany of food rules and restrictive habits, I find the diet swaps to be a bit unlikely.  Most of the time, the participants change their ways far more quickly and amicably than is realistic.  After five days, almost all of the superskinnies are putting dents in the piles of the supersize’s feasts.  And just about every time, the supersized participants make peace with their meagre portions, and end up leaving something on their plates.

Apparently a lack of sound, realistic journalism isn’t that important to me.  I didn’t count how many episodes I’ve watched, but I made it to approximately season five, where the outcomes of the diet swaps become slightly more realistic.  I know way too much about this show.  I’ve watched it way too many times.

Between meals, other journalists examine different diet and weight related issues.  For one season, a reporter tries out all sorts of fad diets.  On a couple others, they follow a group of anorexic and bulimic patients.  Season five, if you’re interested, does a bit of both.  The doctor on the show travels to Evansville, Indiana, apparently the fattest city in the United States.  In Evansville, they have ambulances that can carry a 1400 person.  So far most people max out around 800 or 900 pounds.  But still.  Oof.

 This guy would need an enormous ambulance to move him which must make him feel terrible.

Seriously, these people have wounds from surgery that won’t heal because they’re covered in fat.  They have to get someone else to help them shower, or wipe their asses. 

I can’t believe I’ve watched this show more than once. Surely once would be enough.  But no, I can’t stop.  I know I shouldn’t look, but I can’t look away.  It’s a big fat binge. 

Although I’d love to hear your thoughts on all this, if I were you, I’d avoid this show.  My obsession with it has caused me great shame.  I wish that I could say something profound and meaningful about obesity and eating disorders and the world’s ridiculous obsession with food and weight, but after so many hours watching these youtube clips, I’m consumed with lethargy and self-loathing. 

Now it’s time to go teach a core strength yoga class. Let’s hope that my students work very hard, igniting the fire deep within their lower stomach so that I may vicariously burn away this spiral of shame.

The End.

Me being skinny in India. Kerala, 2016.
India is the best diet. Or the worst.

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Day 69 of Not Puking in Your Mouth
The Benefits of an Ashtanga Yoga Practice, Part Two
 

 

Forever on the Lips

"Why do I always get the runs when I'm on the rag?"

 

We all have similarly compelling sentences and phrases that we hear or read once and that, like goodness and mercy, end up following us all the days of our lives.  I was eleven years old when I read the above sentence in the “ Ask Anything” column of Seventeen magazine.  At the time, I had never been on the rag.  But I had gotten the runs.  It was just a matter of time before I would get both at the same time.  Peanut Butter and Jam, my friend Fern calls this.  Every month, when the Peanut Butter and Jam comes, I ask, “Why do I always get the runs when I’m on the rag?”  I can’t remember the answer.  Only the question.

Another soul-permeating phrase of mine is, “A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.”  The first time I encountered this one was in Marya Hornbacher’s anorexia and bulimia memoir Wasted.  I read this just as I was beginning my anorexia and bulimia career and the pages, though excellently written served more as a how-to manual than offer any hope for healing or recovery.  And to this day, that lovely sentence about lips and hips remains with me.  It came from the lips of Marya Hornbacher’s teacher.  Marya had been kept after school for some reason.  Alone in the classroom, Marya ate a bag of Doritos, the only thing she had eaten for some time. 

That’s when her teacher uttered her magic hips and lips phrase.  So Marya went to the bathroom and puked up the Doritos. 

 


Wasted, by Marya Hornbacher I do believe that Marya Hornbacher had done very well in throwing her eating disorder away.  She is also a very talented writer, and in the many years since Wasted was published, she has written a number of riveting and Doritos-free books.   



I was never a big chips person.  Since meeting the Boatman, however, I’ve taken up corn chips.  And pita chips.  I prefer the broken ones at the bottom of the bag because then I don’t pay attention to how many I am eating.  That said, I’m allowed to eat as many as I want.  Sometimes there are chips are on my lips for very many moments.  I never ever throw them up and so far my hips have stayed exactly same size.  There is no Big-Fat-Chip-Belly either. But sometimes my hips complain of seething pain.  I do not think it is from the chips.  It has something to do with my pelvis, which everyone is tired of hearing about.  Still, when my hips hurt, I never stop talking about it.  Now we have a new catch-phrase:

“A moment on the hips, forever on the lips.”

And once my lips take hold of something, they shelter it for a long, long time.  Another phrase:

 “A moment on the lips, forever on the lips.” 

I’m sure you’ll get the idea and derive thousands of your own happy catch-phrases that you’ll be able to luxuriate in at any given moment.  I would love to hear what your lips come up with.  

The Day that Dr. Seuss died seems like only yesterday.

Hips, Lips, Chips.

Kino has Very Open Hips:

This Panda Bear is made out of Lips:

And the Boatman drew a Chip with Ruffles.



"Very Refreshing"  featuring Chip with Ruffles.  More Drawings by the Boatman at verysatisfied.com

"Very Refreshing"  featuring Chip with Ruffles.  More Drawings by the Boatman at verysatisfied.com

He's Refreshing.  He's on Vacation.  And he never gets the runs when he's on the rag.
The Chip doesn't and neither does the Boatman.
I was going to go on a contractions diet, but then I decided I wouldn't
I wouldn't and I couldn't
I won't.

The End.

The High Vagina, Coming Soon

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Exalted
The O's in the Totos have Hats
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Day 69 of Not Puking in Your Mouth

Hope for Rumination Syndrome:  How to transform your esophagus into a one-way street.
(Alternate Title: Surely Regurgitated Foodstuffs Will Not Follow Me All The Days Of My Life.)

I recently received some fan mail from a lovely young lady who is embarrassed by her seemingly bizarre condition. My friend, Annabelle Gordon, chews and reswallows regurgitated foodstuffs for minutes and sometimes hours after she eats. Annabelle began her struggle with eating as early as 9, when she began to diet and over-exercise. At fourteen, she was taking laxatives, and at fifteen, she suffered from a full blown eating disorder, involving severe restriction, compulsive exercise, self-mutilation, as well as binging and purging. Her family intervened early on. Annabelle was hospitalized twice and underwent a four-month day-treatment program for adolescents with eating disorders. Over many years, Annabelle has worked to hard to maintain a healthy weight and eliminate most of her eating disorder symptoms. Unfortunately, she continues to struggle with rumination, an unusual but pervasive symptom that significantly diminishes her quality of life.

After talking to the experts, I discovered that there is much confusion around Rumination Syndrome. The condition is mainly seen in infants and people with intellectual disabilities or autism. Because it is so rare in other populations, Rumination Syndrome in adults is frequently mistaken for Bulimia. However, in Bulimia, the patient ALWAYS purges the regurgitated food/vomit, while in Rumination Sundrome, the food is most often reswallowed. Annabelle says that one of her doctors also dismissed her symptoms as Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disorder (GERD). But unlike GERD, the act of regurgitation in Rumination Syndrome is voluntary.

I believe that this is one of the reasons why Annabelle is so ashamed of her affliction. Who would intentionally vomit in her mouth over and over again? One would think that such an unpleasant experience would be easy to avoid. I beg to differ. Read on.

Dearest Annabelle. I urge you to put your shame on the shelf. True to its name, your condition is a syndrome. It is absolutely an illness and not a vice. You did not choose to perpetually endure vomit in your mouth any more than I chose the infected ingrown hairs which emerged following my last bikini waxing. Last week I taught yoga at a benefit for Breast Cancer Research. It would have been absurd for me to berate one of the survivors for having required a mastectomy. So too is it absurd for you to blame yourself for having rumination.

For some reason, in the area of mental illness, people tend to associate the illness with the patient. Alas, this fact impedes the most crucial ingredient to your recovery: self-esteem. No one ever flew to the moon by calling herself a piece of shit. In order to transform your esophagus into a one-way street, you must transform the way you see yourself. Hence, in the following list, along with some physical strategies which may help reduce your symptoms, I offer some suggestions on how you might learn to love and approve of yourself unconditionally.

1) Find your person. Choose someone, a shrink, counsellor, friend, family member, yoga teacher, barista or mail carrier who you can talk to about anything, no matter what. I don't want to get hokey or new age on you, but did you ever consider that there was something symbolic about always having vomit in your mouth and throat? Are there issues in your life you're afraid to talk about? Are you ruminating about something you're afraid to say? Practice communicating with someone you trust. It may also be useful to meditate on your throat chakra. Stimulate this chakra by repeating its beeja sound: HAM (pronounced HUM).

2.) While we're talking about chakras, you might want to bring your attention to your navel chakra. Among many other things, the navel, or manipura chakra governs our digestive organs. On an esoteric level, it is related to our ability to digest life. Therefore, dear Annabelle, you might examine your life to determine if it contains any indigestible elements. If this is the case, perhaps chanting the navel chakra sound "RAM" (pronounced RUM), will accelerate the elimination process. So too might digestive enzymes.

3) Relax around food. Eat slowly, without being neurotic about it. Eating too fast may aggravate your esophagus and digestive organs. Also, be sure to eat regularly and to eat enough. Often, rumination is used to compensate for undereating. It creates the illusion that the person is taking multiple bites of a certain food when really she is simply tasting the same morsel over and over again. Being well nourished will help reduce the tendency to prolong restrictive meals with rumination. Acquire the support you need in order to establish a healthy, eating routine. Try not to worry about getting fat. Send cosmic love from your heart to your thighs, and any other tortured body part. In time, you'll realize that they're as beautiful as diamonds.

4) Find healthy substitutions to ruminating. Typically, this does not involve drinking in solitude. That said, life's a bit much sometimes. Most of us require a safety net to run away to occasionally. Personally, I escape with my magic silver horse at least once a week. I also enjoy Grey's Anatomy in all its seasons. Perhaps you're more partial to musical theatre.

5) Although understandably, you probably wish that your esophageal transformation had occurred last Easter, try to have a moment-to-moment approach as you make these courageous and lifelong changes. When you and Rumination Syndrome finally part ways forever and ever Amen (which you will!), no ugly God is going to throw pizzas at you because you didn't do everything perfectly all at once. Your mistakes and stumbles are merely aberrations, but your moments of victory and transcendence remain forever etched upon your soul. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

Best of luck, dear Annabelle and let me know how it goes!

Much Love from the Exuberant Bodhisattva. 

The End.

 

 

Much Love from the Exuberant Bodhisattva.
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I Let Go, by Erica J. Schmidt

The Benefits of an Ashtanga Yoga Practice, Part Two
Are You Strong or Are You Skinny?
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