Internet Diagnosis of the Week

The Exuberant Bodhisattva introduces the Internet Diagnosis of the Week.

In fact, it will probably end up being The Internet Diagnosis of Every Three to Six Weeks. Still, the new column format requires an introduction. For my imaginary podcast, I envisioned a bit for which listeners would call in with their angsty, neurotic concerns about their terrifying and devastating self-diagnosed health conditions. Before podcasting, I am working to tame my verbal machine gun and general incohesiveness. Until then, the segment is going to manifest itself on the blog. 

Here’s how it will work: Should you find yourself fretting uncontrollably about some unexplainable bodily abnormality, instead of presenting yourself at a walk-in clinic, or even wiser, waiting to see if the affliction goes away, I encourage you to obsess, agonize and fixate on your so-called ailment as much as you desire. Google your symptoms thoroughly; devour every relevant  and irrelevant Wikipedia and Mayo Clinic article; scrutinize whatever patient forum you can find, and be sure to scroll extensively through all the horrific google images. Whatever your google search item, never ever limit yourself to the first ten search results.

You might also extend your research to include friends and loved ones. Ask them if they have ever endured similar symptoms. In the case that these symptoms coincide with a frightening illness, spend at least five minutes being utterly convinced that you are infected and/or afflicted. When your friends suggest that you might be overthinking things, do not listen.

After 12 to 72 hours of comprehensive investigation, it is time to conclude on a self-diagnosis.  Ideally, this conclusion does not require an MRI for verification, but at Internet Diagnosis of the Week, we are not exclusive. Once you have decided on the cause of your suffering, go to the Exuberant Bodhisattva Facebook Fan page, and send me all the details in a message. If you would prefer to speak to me on the phone, through Skype, or in person, this may be arranged. 

Upon examining your situation systematically, I will offer you my entirely unqualified, unprofessional and unmedical perspective, complete with individualized advice. In case you are unable to come up with a self-diagnosis, you are still eligible for this personalized attention, and I urge you to get in touch.

Dying of ear wax? Call the Exuberant Bodhisattva.

Symptoms that may lead to an excellent IDOTW: Odd coloured ear wax, an upsetting shape emerging between the cracks of your toe callouses, vague puss in any location.  Anything vague is excellent for Internet Diagnosis of the Week. Intermittent is also good. Syndromes are often both vague and intermittent and therefore perfect. I look forward to what you come up with. Please note that although cancer may appear during your googling process, let’s keep cancer and all forms of malignancy, and AIDS out of the final verdict. Thanks.

While I was still living in Halifax, I brought up my idea of Internet Diagnosis of the Week at a Buddhist Soup Night. As fate would have it, just the day before, the guy across from me had diagnosed himself with Fructose Malabsorption Syndrome. His symptoms included sudden bloating, stomach cramps, vomiting and diarrhea, all lasting about a weekend. Sounded suspiciously like the flu; however, my friend had devoted hours to internet research and had determined that indeed fructose was the culprit. Now he was on an elaborate diet that forbid quite a long list of foods. It seemed as though Buddhist soup was okay, but he wasn’t allowed any of the delicious cheese or bread. Only rice cakes. My friend sounded adamant and confident about his diagnosis, though his face appeared somewhat pale, gaunt, and translucent. As my first Internet Diagnosis of the Week, he would have been fabulous.

A second potential IDOTW emerged at a Halifax Creativity Night. One graphic designer was suffering from a subtle and elusive lump in his throat. Although the lump didn’t exactly affect any of his activities, it was driving him crazy. This IDOTW was a mystery. Nobody knew what it was, and the doctors had demonstrated some mild annoyance at his most recent appointments. Earnest and filled with compassion, it was with great sincerity that I considered his puzzling ailment.

“I wonder what it is,” I thought. “Could it be caused by forward head posture?” I suggested that he try balancing a book or block on his head whenever he worked on his computer. The graphic designer gratefully welcomed my recommendation.  In retrospect, I wonder if he just needed a big cry. Hard to say. Now it’s too late. But it’s not too late for you!

Once again, I urge you to send your Internet Diagnosis in a message to the Exuberant Bodhisattva Facebook Fan Page. It will be a bit like going on Oprah in that you won’t only be helping yourself, but also the innumerable swarms of readers who have suffered the same symptoms and seek the same diagnosis and exciting customized advice. I will put out the column as promptly as is humanly possible.

Let me know if you are one of those people without Facebook. Other technologies exist. If we are already friends on Facebook, you can send me a message to my real name account.

And there’s another alternative Blog Format for those days when I tire of talking about myself. It’s called, “Asking People About Their Lives.” Last week I interviewed Matt Wiviot in a post entitled "Why You Are A Hermaphrodite." Some of my friends slash fans expressed some aversion and disdain towards the title. I want to clarify that the post contains Hardly Any Genitals. At least four and a half people seemed to find the post thoroughly enjoyable. To expect more than this would be greedy; however, I do invite you to read about Matt Wiviott’s life. His beard and his hashtags are like no others and it makes for a nice change from my Ex-lax and Pelvis memoirs.

I am going to try and create an “Asking People About Their Lives” every couple of weeks. If you know someone who you’d like to see interviewed, or if you think you might be a good candidate, do get in touch with me. All the people of the world are welcome. You'd be surprised how interesting your life is. So far I have interviewed two people. Both experiences were delightful, and it's amazing how little I spoke. Proud of Me.

So that’s it for my PR/Public Service Announcement. Let’s end with a helpful Chinese Proverb, quoted to me by one of my very first yoga teachers. It has been more than ten years, and though you'd never know from this blog, I’ve never forgotten it.

“Why do I suffer? Because 99.9% of the time, I am thinking of myself.”

The End.  

The Onesie I decorated at Matt Wiviott's Baby's Baby Shower.

 It is a Brooding Anenome. Are you?

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Asking Matt Wiviott About His Life
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I read "Choose Yourself," by James Altucher and my oxytocin levels increased immediately.

I have owned James Altucher’s book “Choose Yourself,” for one week, and already it is covered in avocado stains.

Choose Yourself, by James Altucher

Choose Yourself, by James Altucher

James Altucher and I have tons in common.  We both recognize the immense value of taking a shit.  The benefits are physical, emotional, spiritual, physical, creative and financial.
If your bowels don’t function well enough to take a smooth and thorough dump, life is going to be more difficult than it has to be.

Also, James and I both have very curly hair that is usually messy.

Here is a picture of me reading “Choose Yourself.” You can’t see the avocado stains.  They are on the inside.  I am reading the chapter, “How to release the God Hormone.” It is based on James’ blogpost 10 unusual ways to release oxytocin into your life. At first I thought that oxytocin was the same as oxycontin, but I guess it is a little different.  Oxycontin is a narcotic while oxytocin  is this natural thing that your body releases when you hump your lover’s leg, or like someone’s post on Facebook, or eat a bunch of eggs and bananas and peppers mixed together.  The words are similar.  Just like the words vague, vagina, and vagus are similar.  James Altucher points this out in his oxytocin chapter and it made me laugh and release oxytocin. James says that when your vagus nerve is inflamed, you’ll feel pissed off and stressed out.  When it feels good, the whole world will seem orgasmic. Knock yourself out, everyone.

PROCRASTINATION

I just took a break from writing this post to hump the Boatman’s leg.  He was lying on the couch reading a book about philosophy.  I interrupted him and we had sex and now my vagina and vagus nerve feel spectacular. The feelings are not vague.

In his chapter, “The Seven Habits of Highly Mediocre People”originating from this post, James recommends Procrastination.  I am grateful for this and I find it convenient.

 “Choose Yourself,” has the tagline, “Be Happy, Make Millions, Live the Dream.”  I’m pretty sure that for James, what is most important is being happy.  On a couple of occasions in his life, James has had millions of dollars.  But he wasn’t happy and he wasn’t living the dream.  He was barely sleeping, his body was a wreck, and he didn’t have any friends.  In 2002, he lost fifteen million dollars in fifteen weeks.  He had a similar crash in 2008.

 

Each time, what got James back on his feet is something he calls the Daily Practice.   Essentially, it means taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

What’s the use of millions of dollars if  you hate yourself and you have no friends and you can’t take a comfortable shit every morning?

The Daily Practice can be overwhelming if you haven’t pooped or had sex in a long time, and you’re tired and you hate your job and your brain feels stale and dead inside.  The good news is  James says that you don’t need to fix everything all at once.  Remember, we are only becoming highly effective, mediocre people.  No sweat.  We can all do this.

I was listening to an interview with James on  mygreenlight.com, and James says that if you are looking to begin somewhere, start by getting enough sleep and then recognizing the abundance that is already in your life.  For instance, James says, if you’re stuck in traffic, instead of being pissed off about wasting time, focus on the abundance of cars.  So many cars, so much human development.  So much prosperity.  Or at least a lot of car payments. 

From about January to the end of May, I’ve been pretty irritated about my life.  I’d been waking up at 4 or 4:30 a.m., cranking myself through a vigorous and somewhat neurotic yoga practice and then hoofing it to work where I nag at small children to push in their chairs and wash their dirty hands in French.  Every week, I was missing more than a full night of sleep, about two hours every night.  I became volatile, hysterical. I thought I would kill the children I worked with. My body developed these weird neurological twitches.  Throughout the day, my shoulders would shrug involuntarily. My esophagus would contract as though I were going to puke. Most mornings before leaving for work I would throw a hysterical fit about some tragic issue like how I didn’t have time to take a shit, my pants were dirty, the new kid was a total brat, and my boss would probably make me stay late. 

The miracle of yoga had never been less abundant.

Fortunately, about a month ago, my left knee swelled up on my way to work. 

Here’s my knee, after the physiotherapist taped it up and it looked like a scrotum.



My Scrotum Knee. My pants pulled down

Now I sleep in until about 5:30.  I do half as many yoga poses.  I am two hundred times less bitchy.

My knee is healing really well.  It doesn’t look like a scrotum anymore.

And my shoulder and esophagus twitch significantly less.

I have energy to do more of the Daily Practice.  I read. I write down ideas, even the stupid ones, not every day, but when I think of it, and don’t feel too self-conscious.  I try not to be so pissed off about everything.  That was hard when I was really tired.  Now I am not as tired and so it is easier.

It is also easier to see the abundance.  Before I would look at my work day and see eight and a half hours to kill and waste, plus the commute. 

Being grateful for what I had seemed impossible.  I could barely say thank you to the busdriver.  He was driving me somewhere I didn’t want to go.  When I thought of saying thank you, I’d get a lump in my throat and feel nauseous and ashamed. 

I’ve been forcing myself to say thank you to the bus driver, every day.  As I get less tired, I feel more sincere. 

Although I’m not making millions of dollars, or living the dream exactly, I am trying to be as happy I can be, right now.  Sometimes I feel bitter and disappointed that I don’t have as much time to write and do yoga as I want.  But at least I have some time.  More than most people. 

Also, there is some abundance in my job.  I get to walk all the time.  This helps me to not be constipated or fat.  The school has really big windows and I can always see the sky.  Plus the children are full of abundance. They are full of youth and snot and sometimes diarrhea.  And if you listen, they say many interesting things.

Last week, a five-year-old asked me if I had boobies.  An hour later, a two-year-old looked at me from across the sandbox and said, “Erica, you don’t have any nipples.”

James Altucher says that most people should quit their jobs.  Probably he is right.  Someday I will quit my job.  Or maybe I will get fired for my radical views on potty training. That is my dream. To get fired because of the potty training. But while I am waiting, I'm going to think about my nipples and laugh.

The End.

Thank you, James. You’ve done wonders for my outlook.  And you don’t need to pay me back for the book, because my life is already full of abundance.

Watch James Altucher explain Choosing Yourself, in 13 minutes:

 

Follow James Altucher on Twitter: @jaltucher

Check out James's Blog www.jamesaltucher.com

Me and my vagus nerve: @mypelvicfloor

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I Let Go, self-help book by Erica J. Schmidt 

What the fuck should I do with my life, Part One
Not Separate From All That Is
Prozac Made Me a Better Person