This morning I woke up at 3:30 A.M.
To menstrual cramps and menstrual blood and cravings for
toast and peanut butter.
James Altucher loves waking up before 4 A.M. So today,
I get to be a little bit like James Altucher, but with menstrual cramps.
I don't know if James Altucher likes toast.
At 3 A.M., I was dreaming. In my dream, I was sending
a free copy of my
exceedingly helpful self-help book to Tim Miller.
In real life, I don't have Tim Miller's email address.
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Tim Miller. In my dream, he desperately wanted a copy of my self-help book, I Let Go.
In real life, he probably doesn't need it. |
In real life, there is water in my ear. Especially the
left one.
It could also be curly-haired conditioner.
Or some cerebral spinal fluid. Must be time for some
brand name Q-tips, purchased with the Boatman during our Drugstore
Date.
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These brandname Q-tips come in a package of 54, which 108
divided by 2, which is a very auspicious box to come from when you are a
brand-name Q-tip.
|
The Brandname Q-tips really hit home with folks from Perth
Ontario. Perth, Ontario is the prettiest town in Ontario. What's
more, in 2008, we had four Olympians. 3 of them were born in 1984.
Since I was a gifted child, I got to be in their classes, even though I was
born in 1985. Oh look! Here's Mike Brown:
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Mike Brown. What I think in my head when I look at this photo:
What a babe. |
Mike Brown and all the other people from Perth Ontario know
that you shouldn't stick Q-tips up your ears, not even brand name q-tips.
I used to know this but some conditioner or cerebral spinal fluid got stuck in
my ears, especially the left one, and it has been so long since I lived in
Perth, Ontario that I forgot. So this morning I stuck some brand name
q-tips up my ears. Especially in the left one. What I found
there: It wasn't conditioner. I do not think that I will do that
again. Not with the brandname Q-tips.
There are 20 more days left of Lent. Lent is 46 days
this year. Last year at this time, I started a post entitled
"Lent." It seems I didn't have that much to say about it.
Yesterday the doorbell rang and the Big Black Dog barked so
loudly that the man with the pamphlet couldn't come in. He slipped his
pamphlet into my hand through the crack in the door. On the pamphlet
Jesus was standing on a cloud. He had white hair and a crown.
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| Jesus says, "Where is my crown?" |
The pamphlet said: "Jesus is an exalted
King. But what does that mean to you?" I don't know what it
means to me. Neither does the Boatman. We can go find out at the
Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's witness on Holy Thursday after the Boatman washes my
feet. I am not allowed to talk about my toenail fungus ever again.
26 days ago, more or less, the Boatman and I were sitting on
the couch.
"What do you want to give up for Lent?" I
asked
"What's Lent?" asked the
Boatman.
Last year for Lent, I tried to give up an hour of my time to
meditation. I wanted to be Zen, like the Buddha. And exalted, like
Jesus. I made it eight days.
This year, the Boatman resolved to give up eating all meat
except for seafood. Since I already never eat anything with a mother or a
face, I decided I would try to give up 20 minutes of my time to meditate.
I thought that it would help me become Zen and Exalted. As the
Boatman and I observed, I became increasingly neurotic as the days and the 20
minute chunks of exalted time passed. I worried about the gunk in my
ear. And all sorts of other things. And I had terrible dreams that
weren't about Tim Miller.
While I was meditating, the Boatman ate a lot of fish and chips.
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| fish and chips and peas. |
Sometimes with green peas, sometimes without. Last
weekend, the Boatman and I flew to Montreal. On the airplane we decided
that while in Montreal, I would not meditate and the Boatman would eat
chicken. We had a wonderful visit. I did not worry about the gunk
in my ears at all. Which was a good thing because I'd forgotten my
brandname Q-tips.
When we got back to Halifax, our housesitter had clogged our
kitchen sink with Honey Nut Cheerios, and our bathtub with Johnny Walker
puke. I cleaned up the Cheerios and have not started to meditate
again. I Let Go, like in my self-help book. The Boatman let go too.
Jesus is an exalted king. But what does that mean
to you?
Jesus might say: Chicken is not the end of the
world. But watch out for the pepperoni and the French Fries.
Dix frites ont 110 calories. (Ten French
Fries have 110 calories) This sentence was on my grade six French Grammar
class. I have never forgotten it, and have cringed at the thought of
French Fries ever since.
ONT stands for Ontario and it is also French for have, if
you are more than one person, or more than one French Fry.
I was always very good at conjugation. Mike Brown was
in my class.
Seventeen Magazine. I read it in grade six,
when I was ten. Recall that I was a gifted child and thus the youngest
person in grade six. Seventeen Magazine had a column called Ask
Anything. The question I never forgot was: Why do I always
get the runs when I'm on the rag? I can't remember the answer, but I
never forgot the question. There are so many reasons to ask it.
Especially at this time of month.
Runs on the rag. My friend Fern calls it "Peanut
Butter and Jam." Gross. I hope I sleep better tonight.
Tomorrow I will be Zen and Exalted. Today is brown and bloody and very
high in calories. But my team spirit and conjugation are impeccable.
My memory is also rather impressive.
James Altucher says that you must always bleed in the first
line. Today, I don't have to try at all. I have been bleeding since
3:30 A.M. I bled in my first line, I am bleeding in my last. I will
bleed all day.
The End.
