Ecstatic Adventures of the Exuberant Bodhisattva: Finding Emma

Showing posts with label Finding Emma. Show all posts

Monday, 5 October 2015

Where is Emma Fillipoff (Nine)

Previous Segments of Where is Emma Fillipoff
ONE: The Grieving Mothers of Perth, Ontario
TWO: She's Missing
THREE: Wednesday, November 28, 2012
FOUR: Mental illness runs in the family
FIVE: A Mother's Instinct
SIX: Okay. So I'm dead.
SEVEN: She ran away because she fucking hates her parents.
EIGHT: Safe Until She Returns

A Perfect, Beautiful Family

After I did the interview with Shelley, my mom told me a story about when we first moved to Perth.

“I don’t know if I ever told you this, but one of the first times we ever went to the Perth Pool, the Fillipoffs were there. Shelley and James were playing with the two girls and one of the boys. The kids were around four, six and eight. All five of them were taking turns throwing one of those rubber balls. All together. I remember thinking, what a perfect, beautiful family. I guess that’s what everyone wants. A perfect, beautiful family."

For Shelley, family was everything. When she had her first child, her whole life changed. If she hadn’t become a mother, Shelley claims, “I’d be dead now. I would have been an alcoholic, a drug addict. I’d be dead.”

Shelley loved teaching, but at the end of her long days, she couldn’t wait to come home and spend time with her kids. “I could have had ten,” she says. “It was like a drug to me.”

Now, without Emma, her family is not complete. “There are days I could shoot myself… My mind is not what it used to be… I struggle to stay afloat.” Even the most minor tasks seem monumental. The trauma of Emma’s disappearance has left Shelley with PTSD and a mild form of dyslexia. Since James left, she has battled a major depressive disorder and anorexia. She takes medication to manage the depression, and help her sleep. But because her depression is situational, pills can only do so much.

I asked her to what extent she thought that knowing where Emma was would change her state of mind. Certainly, finding emma is the one thing she has been hoping for. The initial relief, the joy would be immense. That said, her psychiatrist told her that she would never go back to being the same person again.

“I didn’t go back to being the same person after James," she says. "I'm different... I'm not sure how different. Less confident. Less comfortable with myself. Way less happy. Way more doomsday. Like something bad is going to happen.”

Sometimes you hear of people losing their legs or getting a terrible illness and they stop worrying that other bad things will happen to them. Because the bad thing has already happened.

Shelley assures me that this is not her case. She worries constantly about her other kids.

“You hear of families where one thing goes wrong and everything else falls apart.”

Though losing Emma, surely this is far worse than just one thing going wrong.

Shelley: “What happened to Emma is something I never could have imagined would happen… I used to imagine it when they were little… Like what if they pull away from my hand and disappear?"

Erica: “And that’s kind of what you feel is what happened.”

Shelley: “Exactly, it’s kind of like I let go of her hand.”

Erica: “Or she let go of yours.”

Shelley: “I’m not sure I could have protected her. I’m not sure she would have listened or sought help… But I’m sure I’ll always regret not going. I should have just gone that Saturday. I was all packed. I had my suitcase. I should have just gone, Erica. I should have just gone.”

The End.
-Written by Erica J. Schmidt.

An immense thank you to Shelley Fillipoff for her candour and generosity .

Thank you to my mom, dad and all my family. Thank you to my sister and friends who helped with the interview before it was published.

To learn more, please follow the links below. The Fillipoff family is still offering a $25,000 reward for any information that leads to Emma's whereabouts. If you know something or someone you think could help, please contact Shelley, Erica or the Fifth Estate. OR CALL THE POLICE.

Thank you to the Fifth Estate. Their documentary Finding Emma and its related site contain an enormous amount of crucial information.

Thank you to everyone who has written about Emma's case, in addition to everyone who has shared photos and articles. Raising awareness is probably the best way of keeping hope alive. As the Fifth Estate points out, there are far too many Emmas out there. If you have a loved one who has gone missing, you are welcome to share your story in the comments below, or with the Fifth Estate.

Much love to Shelley and the Fillipoff family, to Emma's friends and loved ones, to all who have gone missing, and to all who keep looking. And to Emma.

Where is Emma Fillipoff
ONE: The Grieving Mothers of Perth, Ontario
TWO: She's Missing
THREE: Wednesday, November 28, 2012
FOUR: Mental illness runs in the family
FIVE: A Mother's Instinct
SIX: Okay. So I'm dead.
SEVEN: She ran away because she fucking hates her parents.
EIGHT: Safe Until She Returns

HAVE YOU SEEN EMMA?
Please Share Your Stories and Tips
Help Find Emma Fillipoff Facebook Group
Email Erica: ericaschmidt85(at)gmail(dot)com
(contact form below)
Email Shelley: fillipoff(at)hotmail(dot)com
Call the police.

Finding Emma on the Fifth Estate

Exuberant Bodhisattva on Facebook
Erica on Twitter: @mypelvicfloor

Where is Emma Fillipoff (Three)

previous segments of Where is Emma Fillipoff
ONE: The Grieving Mothers of Perth, Ontario

TWO: She's Missing

Three: Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The day she went missing, Emma’s actions indicated that perhaps she was planning for something. Police say that on the morning of her disappearance, Emma had spoken to staff at the Chateau Victoria Hotel. There she had parked her van which contained almost all of her possessions, including her passport, laptop, journals and camera.

At 8:23 a.m., she purchased a $200 pre-paid credit card at a 7-11. Security footage shows Emma hesitating before she leaves the store. She keeps opening and closing the door. She alternates between frantically, anxiously looking outside, and pacing and waiting in the 7-11.

Emma paces in and out of the YMCA, about a week before her disappearance.
Footage of her in the 7-11 is included in the Fifth Estate documentary, "Finding Emma."

“I feel like I’m being stalked,” her journals say.

Even earlier that day, Emma had called Shelley. “Don’t come, not today Mom, not today,” she'd told her, the same words she’d repeated so many times over the past five days. Shelley says that the call came around 7:30 a.m., Eastern Time. In Victoria, it would have been 4:30 in the morning. Had Emma slept at all the night? Without telling Emma, Shelley made arrangements to fly out and get her.

Some people think that on November 28, Emma visited the library around noon. She used to sit and read in the children’s section. Emma seemed to be the kind of girl who could fit in almost anywhere. But did she feel like she belonged in any of these places?

Emma:
"I chased death all my life. Because I was dead.
Sleeping was escape from all the pain.
And stories were the sweet music rain.
I love my mom.
But I could not cause her pain."

For the last nine months before she disappeared, Emma lived on and off at Sandi Merriman House, a women’s shelter. Nobody really knows why. Shelley had only found out she’d been staying there a few days before Emma vanished. The emails she’d been sending her friends and mother had been vague, bubbly and poetic. “Life is love.” “Everything is perfect and beautiful.” That sort of thing.

Sandi Merriman staff say that they saw Emma leave the shelter at about 6 p.m. Minutes earlier, at 5:54 p.m., Emma had purchased a pre-paid cell phone at the same 7-11 where she’d bought the pre-paid credit card that morning. It is curious that she would buy a cellphone now, since she’d never owned or wanted one before. The phone was never activated. Just like when Emma bought the credit card, she seemed afraid to exit the store, peering out the door as though looking for someone she didn’t want to see.

At 6:10 p.m. she got in a cab near the shelter and asked to go to the airport. The cab driver told her it would be 60 bucks. Emma had two to three thousand dollars in her bank account, but she told the driver she couldn’t afford the fare. The cab driver said she’d been acting weird. She insisted that he drop her off exactly where he’d found her. Before getting out, she asked him if she could sit in his car for awhile. She clearly didn’t want to leave. We don’t know if there was actually someone out there or if it was just in her mind. The cab driver had his radio on. Emma stared at it. Visibly frightened, she asked, “what’s that noise? Why is there noise coming out of that?” She paid for the ride with her bank card, and left.

Emma, with the long braids she used to wear

Between 7 and 8 p.m., a friend of Emma's ran into her near the Empress Hotel which is somewhat close to the water. Barefoot and clutching her shoes, Emma seemed anxious, disoriented and out of it. Her friend called 9-1-1. Police claim that they questioned her extensively, and felt that she was not a harm to herself or others.

According to the police officer who was interviewed on the Fifth Estate documentary, Emma told them, “I’m just working through some things right now. I’m going for a walk and then I’m going to a friend’s house.” It’s not an enormous surprise that up until the last moment anyone saw her, Emma wouldn’t let on to how much she was suffering. Still, Shelley feels adamant that the police did not do due diligence in letting someone as vulnerable as Emma walk off into the night. It would have been so easy for them to accompany her to her friend’s house, or wherever she was going. Instead they simply let her go.

Three hours after Emma was last seen, Shelley arrived at Sandy Merriman House, only to discover that Emma had not claimed her bed. Immediately, Shelley contacted the police. They declared Emma a missing person, but Shelley maintains that they did nothing for three or four days. “They told me she was out partying,” Shelley said. Shelley insisted that her daughter was not a partier. Familiar with addicts of all kinds, the women’s shelter staff confirmed Shelley’s belief, reporting that Emma showed no signs of drug use.

There were errors on the police’s initial press release regarding Emma’s disappearance. The press release stated that Emma was last seen at a different corner and that she was with friends. When Shelley inquired about it, the person at the office claimed it was a typo. “Why don’t you focus on looking for your daughter?” she’d told Shelley.

End of Part Three.

-Written by Erica J. Schmidt

Map of Emma's Last Known Whereabouts