Clean and Elegant

Clean and Elegant

Sunday, 13 April 2014

Life and Death are of Supreme Importance

Here are some of my thoughts about Life and Death:

I should send out invitations to my funeral. Get people to RSVP just so I can get a feel for the friendship level. And for how many party sandwiches I should bill to Metro Transit and the other people in the world who have stolen my time.

People should send out birth announcements with boxes for friends to check off whether or not they approve of the passing on of genetic material.

I do approve.
I don’t approve.

When I die, I want a specific cause of death stated in my obituary with elaborate details regarding how this cause came upon me, and for how long. No ambiguities.
One of the most annoying things to me is obituaries that are vague about the cause of death. So all obituaries annoy me.

Died peacefully,
Died suddenly,

Died accidentally.

What does that mean? Everyone is dying to know how they died.
When I die, I want my cause of death to be elaborately and specifically described in my obituary. No holding back. If it was a long illness, say what the illness was. If it was an accident, say what kind of accident. 

And if I am hospitalized for some mysterious cause, please include regular updates of my condition on my Facebook feed.
I wouldn’t want to leave my friends hanging.

Also, in case of an accident, I want them to know the details so they can avoid the hardship for themselves.

And if it is an illness, I want to give them all the warning signs. That way they can ponder and obsess over their own symptoms.

I’m a really good friend. I hope you come to my funeral. In your RSVP, please indicate whether or not you have food restrictions. I will accommodate you as long as I feel that your digestion problems are legitimate, and not just some neurotic ploy to cut out carbs and other caloric indulgences. A funeral is no time to hold back.
Metro Transit no longer owes me funeral party sandwiches because they replaced the April bus pass that I lost on April 1st, despite the fact that I never put my name on it. That was nice of them. I even gave them a homemade chakra card. Probably this is the first chakra card they ever received.

That’s the end of my current thoughts on Life and Death. 

This is the chakra card for Metro Transit. It is not likely I'll be remembered for my photography skills.

Or for my dorky photo shoot with kale.
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