My first week back in Montessori school in September, Friday night. the Boatman and I started to make out. I put his thigh between my leg and started to hump it.
I closed my eyes and visions of pink and red crocs floated in front of me. I’d spent the week pulling urine- saturated pants off the children who wore those crocs and spraying the crocs with Lysol. Rubbing my crotch harder against the Boatman’s thigh did not make the crocs in my head go away.
“I can’t,” I said to the Boatman.
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| Crocs (Image from the Sunday Blog) |
Lots of women I know went on birth control pills because their periods were odd
and irregular. Some of them bled for three weeks straight, twice a year, or
twelve times a year which sounds horrible. Others bled waterfalls, rushing back
and forth to the bathroom managing their diva cups or their blood catching
methods of choice.
I’ve heard of girls who have never menstruated at all and go
on birth control to try and remedy their lacking or imbalanced hormones. Does
this work? It seems sketchy to me.
Other reasons for going on birth control include bad zits
and mood swings.
And of course lots of women go on birth control so that they
won’t have babies. They take a different amount of hormones every day out of a
little dispenser. My old roommate had an alarm that went off every time
she was supposed to take her “baby pills.” I have other friends who may or may
not have taken their baby pills at the right time. Now they have real live
babies.
Birth control isn’t very good for fish. We pee it out and
then the fish drink our pee. The fish might grow a second head, or a very large
scrotum. Something like that.
Birth control doesn’t work when you are on the antibiotic
rifampin, the antifungal griseofulvin, various HIV medications, various
anti-seizure medications, and St. John’s Wort. I learned this from Planned
Parenthood. When you go on birth control, you don’t get to have the exciting and spiritual experience of synchronizing your menstrual cycle with the moon. You’ll have to get your kicks elsewhere.
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| Baby Pills. |
Pullout Method
I told a friend of mine that the Boatman and I used the withdrawal method.
He said, “You know what they call men who pull out? Fathers.”I told him that the Boatman has been pulling for over ten years, and never once got anyone pregnant.
“Well, maybe he’s a dud,” said my friend. I’d never thought of that, and
when I did, I thought it wasn’t very nice. And I think my friend is wrong. We
are part of the Pullout Generation and not everyone in it is a mother or a
father
No public health nurse is going to recommend pulling out to
teenage boys. Mostly, that would be a disaster. But after a certain number of
orgasms, I don’t think it’s unrealistic for men to figure out the timing.
Of course we all have friends who have made babies while employing
the withdrawal method. In approximately 100% of these cases, this happened
because the penis remained in the vagina during ejaculation. That won’t work.
The withdrawal method might also not work if you have sex
back to back without showering and peeing extensively. The sperm from the first
time stays in the urethra which can make its way into where babies are made. If
you are still horny after the first time around, I recommend humping things
and/or putting different body parts in your mouth to get the edge off. And/or pee and/or shower thoroughly; however, some people think this is risky
People who give Pre-cum Lectures say that there is sperm in
the pre-ejaculatory fluid even if you haven’t had any sex that day. There are
not thousands of studies on the topic. The most cited study I have come across
says that about 40 percent of 27 men had sperm in their pre-ejaculatory fluid,
even though they peed between masturbation sessions. Regardless, the scientist
inside of me would say that more studies are needed. Also, if you’re the
type of person who signs up for a masturbation study, perhaps you’re the type
of person who arrives at the study having recently masturbated.
In any case, whatever sperm that makes it into pre-cum must
not be that plentiful or potent because Planned Parenthood says that if used
perfectly (and I’m quite sure that the Boatman is a withdrawing hero), only 4
couples out of 100 will get pregnant. For condoms, the stats are 2 out of 100.
Oral contraception and the IUD are closer to perfect, but also a great deal
more invasive. Knowing the Boatman’s odds before me, I am happy to give up less
than a handful of chances of getting pregnant and join the simplicity of
Generation Pullout. Wiser couples track their fertility at the same time, and
use condoms during their more fertile times. Despite the crocs, we don’t even
do that. I look forward to menopause when I can smugly or un-smugly
letting you know how this went.
Speaking of smug, I love the song, “Pregnant Women are Smug,”
and it enters my head approximately four times a week, and/or every time I see
a pregnant woman, whichever is more.
It is my dream to witness a birth, but so far no one has
invited me. If you invite me, I promise I won’t say anything about it on the
blog.
The End.
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If you'd like to invite me to your birth, let me know:
On Twitter: @mypelvicfloor
Or in the comments below
What the fuck should I do with my life, Part Two. What the fuck should I do with my life, Part One. Not That Kind of Girl |
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