Clean and Elegant

Clean and Elegant

Monday, 20 March 2017

What does it mean to be a woman

This is just me

on some obscure corner
of the Internet
on Mother's Day.
I meant for it to be
more groundbreaking
and edgy
than it actually
turned out.
Slides of the in-
side of the vagina
don’t look much different
from slides of the larynx.
Both appear pinkish
and alive.
This is what I learned
from the only speech pathologist
I know.
And I trust her.
Once I had a speech pathology.
When I said,
I pronounced it like
a three-year-old would.
Very cute.
And edgy.
What does it mean
to be a woman?
You might have
three to seven
fat days per year.
I tried to cancel these
the day I turned thirty,
and had mixed results.
The last time I had a fat day
Vincent was on vacation.

As a woman,

I can make

my own choices

about fat days.


As a woman

I’ve become

mostly well-versed

in forgiveness.

Phrases that begin with
“As a”
truly help a person
to feel smug.
But making a whole list
of such phrases
is annoying
and seems pretentious.

This is just me
wondering if
my eternal tits
have finally grown
and if anyone will notice
and if that makes me more
of a woman. 
As a woman,
I am better off
avoiding coming off
as pretentious.
This is just me,
once again hoping
some dude will enjoy
my performance.
The first play
I ever wrote
in my life
was called
When I
Used To
Have a Prostate.
You don’t need a prostate
to have a urethra.
You don’t need an s,
to have two urethra
at least not today.
The Dépanneur Café
no longer serves jujubes
at least not today.
This is just me
hoping the dude
will find me delightful,
possibly good-looking.
This is just me
Feeling hungry,
But pretending I’m not
Or dissatisfied
In any which way
The End.

This is just me
wearing the blazer
I am trading for Kombucha
on the Trade Hole

Exuberant Bodhisattva on Facebook
Twitter: @mypelvicfloor
I Let Go

Bodhisattva Business Ventures:

Deep Cleans by Erica J. Schmidt (@deepcleanswitherica)
Montreal Hippie Threads (@mtlhippiethreads)
Instagram: montrealhippiethreads

What does it mean to be well
This is just me menstruating on so obscure corner of the Internet on Mother's Day
Hi my name is Erica. I'm having thoughts of death.

My Eternal Tits

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