The Magical Rock Vagina Cleanse

This morning I sent a message to Jess Beaulieu and Natalie Norman, hosts of the podcast, The Crimson Wave. The Crimson Wave hilariously addresses all of my favourite topics: menstruation, sex and vaginas. I wanted to tell Jess and Natalie all about my latest menstrual project, The Magical Rock Vagina Cleanse.

Natalie and Jess of The Crimson Wave
Like them on Facebook! That's where I got this photo.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Dear Natalie and Jess,

How are you doing?!? Soon you will have completed your 108th podcast which is such an exciting and auspicious number. Congratulations! My friend Kyle Stevenson told me about you ladies since back in 2013, I was inspired to gather all of my menstrual blood in a peanut butter jar and post the photos on the Internet. The post, “Menstrual Blood, Peanut Butter,” remains one of my blog’s most viewed posts of all time. In addition to MBPM, my blog chronicles a significant portion of my Menstruation Memoirs. Menstrual Memoir posts include:

The Boatman and the Maxi Pad, and

Exalted, which ponders over Seventeen Magazine’s Ask Anything question, “Why do I always get the runs when I’m on the rag,” as well as explaining the term, “Peanut Butter and Jam.”

Menstrual Memoir Photos

I have also written relatively extensively on pubic hair. One of my life’s great achievements is that when you google “Peanut Butter, Pubic Hair,” my face and my blog come up. Same thing for “Spiritual Beard, Secular Vagina.” Here are the links to both of my treatises on pubic hair.  

Peanut Butter, Pubic Hair

Spiritual Beard, Secular Vagina

Me, post 400 rupee Waxing in New Delhi. November 2015

I am writing to you because I wanted to tell you about my latest menstrual project. It is called The Magical Rock Vagina Cleanse. For the last few days, in preparation for my period, I have refrained from wearing underwear. Now that I am menstruating, I have resumed underwear as it allows me to safely transport a purified magical onyx right next to my crotch. The magical rock/onyx is supposed to absorb negative energy from all my life’s vaginal trauma and disappointments. On August 31, 2016, I wrote my last brilliant epistle to the Generic Married Man. I am hoping that the Magical Rock Vaginal Cleanse will help me to forgive his colossal haiku and pen pal debt. My friend who inspired me to do the cleanse said that she wouldn’t be surprised if the magical rock also helped heal the pockmarks slash infected ingrown hairs that have arisen as a result of my most recent 20 dollar waxing job. That would be a huge bonus. Those things are horrendous. Once my vagina is finished bleeding, I am going to part with all of my underwear, since each pair has travelled to India and back at least once and it is time to let go. I am not yet certain how I will dispose of my underwear, but I know that I will throw the magical rock into a large body of water. The body of water will likely be Lake Ontario, since I’ll be visiting my sister in Toronto next week.

My Magical Onyx is in my underwear, but  typically Onyx looks a bit like this.

While I am in Toronto, I would be delighted to meet up and discuss my Magical Vagina Rock Cleanse with you. Perhaps you can be part of the Rock Throwing Ceremony. It would be such an honour to meet you both. If next week doesn’t work, perhaps we can reconvene at a later date at which point I can enlighten you on the long-term benefits of the MVRC. In any case, I look forward to continuing to ride the Crimson Wave within my own personal journey, and collectively, as you two incredible divas have inspired me to do.

Yours in Onyx and Menstrual Blood,

Erica J. Schmidt.


My cousin is getting married this weekend and I think I will wear this dress.
I hope the Magical Vagina Rock does not fall out.

The Crimson Wave Podcast
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Twitter: @mypelvicfloor
I Let Go by Erica J. Schmidt

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Performative Crying in Alleys
Memoirs of a Brief Affair