Ecstatic Adventures of the Exuberant Bodhisattva: Ocean Invertebrate Personality Quiz

In this navel-gazing world, it is important to take the time to analyze yourself through as many ~~narcissistic~~ illuminating lenses as possible. The benefits of personality quizzes are obvious. You would know if you'd had the opportunity to gain deep self-insight from the 2010 Granola Party Cereal Personality Quiz. If not, it is never too late. Either way, it is not necessarily useful to pigeon hole yourself as French Toast Crunch or Reese Cocoa Puffs for the rest of your life. For this reason, I invite you to dive deep into the sea of Ocean Invertebrate Personality types and expand your horizons of who you think you really are. Somehow, I have managed to scrounge together every ounce of my psychology and marine biology skills in order to narrow the ocean floor down to four main Ocean Invertebrate Personality Types. I did it all for your utmost benefit. May the quiz and its outcome prove to be life changing.

For best results, try to remain as open as possible to each hypothetical situation. Do not agonize or fret about your answers! The number of points allotted for each response are indicated in brackets. Please remember that as far as Ocean Invertebrate Personalities go, more is not always better. It depends.

1. If I had to write a song, it would be about

a) Arugula. (4)

b) Phosphorescent Ass Cheeks. (4)

c) Ulysses, flamingos and Peter LaVoie. (8)

d) Pigeons, Alanis Morissette, and balcony tanning. (12)

e) Elevators, vibrators and blueberries. (16)

2. My deepest fear is

a) Not that I am inadequate, but that I am powerful beyond measure. (12)

b) Accidentally eating squid in my sleep. (4)

c) Having someone make jewelry out of my bones when I’m dead. (16)

d) That my poetry sounds as though I don’t own a vibrator. (8)

3. In high school band class, I played

a) Flute or Piccolo. (8)

b) Clarinet or Euphonium (4)

c) Tuba or Oboe (8)

d) Trombone or viola (4)

e) Cello or French Horn (12)

f) Violin or Harpsicord (12)

g) The Harp (16)

h) Xylophones or the Saxophone. (16)

i) Chimes or a Trumpet. (12)

j) No fair. All we had were recorders. (4)

4. Domestically, I display the highest level of competence in:

a) Waffles. (16)

b) Picking the avocado stickers out of the compost. (12)

c) Vacuuming. (8)

d) Changing the toilet paper roll. (4)

5. In my dreams, I am

a) Making Waffles. (4)

b) Menstruating. (8)

c) Kissing Alanis Morissette. (12)

d) Flying around with my harp. (16)

e) Being handcuffed for carrying a spoon. (16)

6. My favourite childhood activity was

a) Hide and seek. (16)

b) Monopoly Junior. (12)

c) Mixing a bunch of kitchen ingredients into a mug and forcing my grandfather to eat it. (8)

d) Cribbage. (4)

e) Decorating a cardboard box and hiding in it for the rest of the day. (4)

f) Making a hundred paper bag puppets and inflicting a tedious performance onto my family. (16)

g) All I can remember is getting dragged across a sidewalk on a leash. (8)

7. People are as happy as they seem on the Internet.

a) Very True About Me. (12)

b) Somewhat True About Me. (16)

c) Rarely True About Me. (4)

d) No. Absolutely not. (8)

8. The following Matt Wiviott’s Facebook status speaks to me the most:

a) The best way to commit shameless cultural appropriation is to transform yourself into the Prince of Darkness. The Princess awaits. The Time of Darkness will soon be upon us. (4)

b) Christ, I mean, it's even right there in the Zohar! You gotta become cognitive androgyny! (8)

c) The Magician makes her Presence felt, not so much with Magic as with Presence. (12)

d) The Anti-Christ is not something you are. The Anti-Christ is something you become. (16)

e) I am Matt Wiviott. #liveyogamusic (16)

Use your brain or iPhone to add up all your points. Then, Scroll Down!!!

Use your brain or iPhone
Photo Courtesy of Tiago d'Oliviera Photography and Film

Oh, hi Alanis!

Sad Recorder

RESULTS:

Did you score 32 to 55 points?

LIFE IS VERY EXCITING. You are a VAMPIRE SQUID.

Congratulations! You're a Vampire Squid

Journalist Matt Taibbi once compared Wall Street banker Golden Sachs " to a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money." As it turns out, Vampire Squids are without blood funnels, and their antics are somewhat less dramatic. When Vampire Squid feel threatened, they strike a Pumpkin or Pineapple Posture, making them appear bigger and pricklier than they really are. Probably the Wall Street banker was more like a Brooding Anenome, but what do I know? Beyond pumpkin and pineapple poses, vampire squid and those with its associated personality type devote a great deal of time honing useful skills that will help them to conquer life’s suffocating depths. As a Vampire Squid Personality Type, you are not the fastest mover; however, your stamina and efficiency lead to excellent results and a low carbon footprint. This combined with your extensive phosphorescence makes you extremely compelling to both friends and lovers. Unassuming and humble, nobody underestimates you more than you. At times you suffer from a bit of a scarcity complex. Do your best to flip this around and view every rare event as a fortuitous blessing.

Pumpkin/Pineapple Pose, by the Vampire Squid

FAMOUS VAMPIRE SQUID: Kiera Knightley, Henry Ford, Emily Dickenson

Recommended Activities: Ecstatic Dance, Picnics, Pottery, Poetry

Potential Careers: Librarian, Undertaker, Truck Driver, Tailor, Novelist, Poet

Did you score 56-79 points?

LIFE IS VERY EXCITING. You are a BROODING ANENOME.

Brooding Anenome (Epiactus Prolifera)
I've had a thing for you since childhood.

I've had a thing for you since childhood. Quite often, the brooding anemone is born female, before later developing hermaphroditic qualities. Your lesson to the world is, “Why does everything have to be so fucking linear?” Like the Brooding Anenome, who harpoons toxins into passing-by organisms, you can be a little, shall we say, venomous when it comes to people who violate your space. Fortunately, your insatiable beauty combined with various redeeming qualities allow you to foster deep and loyal relationships with people who will generously commit to loving you just as you are, Special Person Syndrome and all. In fact, the people you do allow into your vicinity are in for a real treasure. Once you have established that people are neither obnoxious nor unreasonable, you delight in their company, offering quality time, service and uncanny wit. This is to say, everything will be fine. My only advice to you would be to perhaps save your noxious one-liners for special occasions.

FAMOUS BROODING ANENOMES: Steve Jobs, Adam Corolla, Chip Wilson, Louis CK, Ludwig Van Beethoven

Recommended Activities: Ashtanga Yoga, Travel, Bowling, Riding in Cars with Girls, Riding in Cars with Boys, Gourmet Cooking

Potential Careers: Wall Street Banker, Crane Operator, Politics, Restaurant Owner, Stand-up Comic

Did you score 80-104 points?

LIFE IS VERY EXCITING. You are a ROYAL STARFISH.

You sparkle and shimmer oh so bright, the starfish is really quite the sight
Photo Source

You sparkle and shimmer oh so bright, the starfish is really quite the sight. With your invisible gonads, cardiac stomach and self-healing powers, what’s there not to like about you? Your ability to reproduce both sexually and asexually makes you impressively autonomous. At the same time, you radiate versatility, adaptability and a fabulous gift for synergy. For these reasons, you are indispensable to a wide variety of work and social settings. The Royal in your name is nearly your only pretentious part. At Lululemon interviews, when they ask you about your biggest downfall, you can honestly reply that in your great and natural tendency towards compassion, you sometimes fail to prioritize your own needs. As the Lululemon people say, remember that in acknowledging and honouring our fragility, we display the greatest strength. I say, nobody likes a martyr. Keep this in mind and your radiance and delight should serve you all the days of your life.

FAMOUS ROYAL STARFISH: Charles Darwin, Kino MacGregor, Princess Diana, Gwenyth Paltrow, Alanis Morissette

Suggested Activities: Softball, Musical Theatre, Psychedelics, Yurt Building

Potential Careers: Lululemon Ambassador, Princess, Philanthropist, Life Coach, Tour Guide

Did you score 105-128 points?

LIFE IS VERY EXCITING. You are a CUTTLE FISH.

True Facts About the Cuttle Fish, by ZeFrank at Laughingsquid.com

ZeFrank says it better than me, but basically, Cuttle Fish are remarkable for their triple-heart circulation system, their ability to instantaneously transform into the colour of their surroundings, and their face sex reproductive practices. Depending on their gender, they have six to eight limbs. I also heard something about their hearts being purple. In any case, if you have a Cuttle Fish Personality, your view of the world is extremely sophisticated and your love life is probably excellent. You can love three beings at once, or one being a whole bunch or whatever combination your purple hearts desire. If you do opt for a threesome or foursome, refrain from seeking advice on their internet. Maybe just call your big brother or sister, or Matt Wiviott, and then call it a day. Wear your favourite tights. In work and non-sexual endeavours, you possess the capacity to plan ahead, though you don’t always take advantage of this. Luckily, you are quite gifted at covering your tracks when you do mess up.

FAMOUS CUTTLE FISH: Dan Savage, Margaret Atwood, Matt Wiviott (TBD), Jane Fonda

Suggested Activities: Paper Maché Puppets, Comedy Improv, Synchronized Swimming, Rock Climbing

Potential Careers: Marriage Counselor, Fashion Designer, Talk Show Host, Pilates Instructor, Painter, Live Yoga Music Harpist.