Clean and Elegant

Clean and Elegant

Thursday, 5 January 2012

The Day Yoga Almost Gave Me a Stroke

I had been practicing Mysore style with Darby for around two months.  During this time, I was dating the Vegan Life Coach.  The Vegan Life Coach was a devoted vegan and Ashtangi whose dharma was to become a finely tuned instrument of God’s love.  He liked to practice his dharma on me.  

While I was dating the Vegan Life Coach, I ate a great deal of salad.  I became very concerned with liberating my soul through the elimination of eggs and dairy products.  The Vegan Life Coach also recommended that I cut down on caffeine, since the stress induced by an elevated cortisol level had probably caused the large creases above my forehead.  He promised that an impeccable diet had the potential to counteract premature aging. I was twenty-one.   

Although I did my best to do what the Vegan Life Coach recommended, one day I got home to my apartment to find a large plate of cookies on the kitchen.  Although my roommate at the time absolutely wasn’t vegan, I was so tired of salad I could have eaten someone’s head.  Instead I ate three cookies. 
Soon after, I fell asleep.  Miserable chickens and groaning cows haunted my dreams.  When I awoke, I couldn’t get up.  My ceiling was spinning.  I couldn’t tell if my lights were on or off.  My neck was all tingly.  I couldn’t feel my right hand.  I felt thankful that I lived right across from the hospital, but I didn’t know how I would get there.

With my left hand, I called the Vegan Life Coach.  He wasn’t there.  He was probably taking his daily two-hour nap which was supposed to improve digestion and cure forehead wrinkles.  I left the vegan life coach a message.  I told him that Very Bad Karma had come.  I had eaten the cookies.  Now I had nerve damage.  Probably it was also from Backbends.  And shoulderstand.  And the cookies.  I was having a brain tumour.  A stroke.  Paralysis was just around the corner.  They would have to amputate.   

I hung up the phone and decided I absolutely needed to get to the hospital.  Somehow, I got myself out of bed.  Then I got back in.  This happened four or five times.  Each time I would make it a little closer to the door.

I was halfway to the door when my roommate came home.

“Those cookies weren’t vegan,” I told him.  “I am going to the hospital.” 
My roommate told me what was in the cookies. One of the ingredients rhymed with Garijuana.   Suddenly, feeling returned to my left arm. The Vegan Life Coach called.  I went to his place and he helped me cleanse my palate with salad.  The avocados were very tasty. 

 The End.
The Vegan Life Coach is a Yoga Teacher:

Exuberant Bodhisattva on Facebook
Twitter: @mypelvicfloor
I Let Go, by Erica J. Schmidt

The Benefits of a Vegan Life Coach
Are you strong or are you skinny?
The Sperm Cleanse


  1. wow... Mr Vegan Life Coach was a douche. (I gotta say).

    Anyhoo, I've had a few scary moments in a yoga class (one panic attack that was pushed on by the very Pushy Yoga Instructor, even though I asserted my self w please, i would prefer not to) and a fainting/dizzy/panic attack spell in an uber heated power yoga class.

    the last one I actually sobbed in child's pose was mostly a realization that my body and breath do not like heated classes. at all. :)

  2. This has helped clear my reading your blog trauma from the other day.
    3 cookies? That's HardCore.
    I had a corner of one of those non vegan cookies once and had to hide behind my desk until it got dark.
    Then I came out and ate all the chocolate.