Valentine's Day: I used to experience Severe Pissedoffishness from this holiday. A couple of years ago, at age 24, I had maxed out on online dating and my vibrator, (aka The Silver Horse) had bit the dust. Everyone around me seemed to have Happy Couple Things to do. I did not, and my misery compelled me to write the following Bitter and Resentful Facebook Status:
¨Property of Facebook: February 14th, 2010 Exuberant J. Bodhisattva says:
In honour of Valentine's Day stop carrying around roses and chocolates and bags of expensive underwear. Go home and watch Grey's anatomy, because your silver horse died and all the Unicorns went South. Or, they didn't and that's why you're stuck - roseless and chocolateless and commando.
Back then, cheesy and doting lists about Why I Love My Boyfriend would have nauseated me extensively. Already I was perpetually nauseous. Nauseous and commando. But now I am wearing a dress with hearts on it. With underwear underneath. And my boyfriend is the Boatman, who inspires Elaborate Lists of Copious Admiration. James Altucher Says that we must make these lists! They work every time. Here is my list:
21 Things I Love About the Boatman
1. He is Patient. On Halloween he helped me make a Paper Bag Princess costume. He helped me make a crown and cut out the paper to make the dress. I have always been terrible at cut and paste. In grade one, we were cutting out poppies and I didn’t know how to make the leaves and it was horribly discouraging and I cried. My skills have not improved much, so as we were cutting out Princess Elizabeth and Prince Ronald’s crown, I almost became irreversibly frustrated but the Boatman guided me back to the task at hand and we finished the costume and we looked awesome.
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| Looking at the Sky Friend |
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| Looking at each other |
2. He is Generous. After Halloween was over, the Boatman generously gave me the Prince Ronald pants. I wear them almost every day when I walk the Big Black Dog. I look incredible in these pants because I follow the the correct diet for my hair colour.
3. He doesn’t judge me for my emotions. I am impeccable at telling time, but not so impeccable at controlling my emotions. I cry more than most people: during yoga, watching TV, when I misinterpret something someone says, when life seems like it’s too much. The Boatman doesn’t make a big deal out of my tears. He just asks me if I’m okay. After that, he usually says it’s gonna be okay and then we both wait and usually the tears go away. Since I met the Boatman, I don’t think I cry as much.
4. Every morning, the Boatman makes me a delicious smoothie out of fruit and carrot juice and spinach and many other redeeming ingredients. He never stops adding new things and blending until it’s perfect and delicious.
5. He is very loyal to his family and it is beautiful to see. You can tell a lot about people by how they get along with their loved ones. One yoga teacher once told me, “If you think you’re enlightened, go home and spend a week with your relatives.” The Boatman could pull this off way better than most people.
6. He doesn’t like Karaoke or dancing at clubs which is somewhat of an enormous relief because if I’m truly honest about it, neither do I.
7. That said, the Boatman writes excellent asshole songs. Asshole songs come straight out of your ass and while you are singing them everyone wants you to stop because you sound like an asshole.. You will learn more about them in my upcoming self-help book, “I Let Go, by Erica J. Schmidt.” The Boatman wrote the very first Asshole song. The chorus goes like this: “Donair Sauce, Donair Sauce.” The verses are restricted and only available upon specific request. A small fee may also apply.
8. He’s not a huge fan of cooking and he doesn’t care if I don’t cook, so most of the time we get to eat sandwiches and salads for dinner and they’re my favourite and they don’t take very long or make much mess.
9. He selflessly volunteered to became my twenty-second follower on this blog-the Ecstatic Adventures of the Exuberant Bodhisattva. You too can selflessly volunteer to become my follower, but I'm afraid you're too late to be the twenty-second...
10. He comes to my yoga classes sometimes, even though he merged with God aeons ago and so yoga postures are really just frivolous entertainment for him.
11. The Boatman cares about the environment. He always turns off the lights, and he turns down the heat, and he’s excellent at taking out the recycling. I always forget that you have to separate the cardboard from the plastic and the cans because you didn’t have to in Montréal. Lucky for me, the Boatman always remembers.
12. When the Boatman doesn’t understand words, he looks them up in the dictionary. Then his i-phone pronounces the new word to him, and then he pronounces it back. The Boatman knows a lot of words. It is super sexy.
13. The Oyster-Shaped Cold Sore: The Oyster-Sized Cold Sore: Also super sexy.
14. The Boatman introduced me to Dan Savage Podcasts. Consequently I have benefited from precious and transformational wisdom such as, “The only real cure for pubic hair is chemotherapy.”
15. The Boatman’s take on pubic hair is much different from the Vegan Life Coach’s and this is very liberating. Also, I broke the Boatman’s electric clippers and he didn’t get mad.
16. He is clever and creative. The Boatman is a wonderful and original artist. He draws wonderful things and he says wonderful things. The Boatman helps me come up with brilliant ideas like writing books called, “How to Raise Skinny Children” and “The Hair-colour diet.” The Boatman’s has a website named “http://verysatisfied.com/.” I am very satisfied with this title. On his website he has magnificent drawings of bunnies, among many other pieces of art. And there is a drawing of a pantless beaver drinking a can of wood and smoking a cigarette. The caption says, “Pants are for suckers.” I agree. Pants are for suckers. They prevent the earth’s yin energy from travelling up your crotch and into your pelvis.
17. I used to think that pants made my thighs look large but the Boatman convinced me that this was silly and that even though pants are for suckers and prevent the earth’s yin energy from travelling up my crotch, I should wear them every once in awhile, especially when it is minus twenty. Unless I want to be a sucker.
18. The Boatman memorized the names of the three most important bandhas: Moula Bandha, Uddiyana Bandha and Jalandahara Bandha. Sometimes he recites the names of the Bandhas at parties. His favourite Bandha is Uddiyana Bandha because he thinks it sounds like a pasta sauce. After my yoga practice, the Boatman often asks me how my bandhas were. I find this very sweet.
19. The Big Black Dog: The Boatman has an adorable and delightful Big Black Dog named Eliot. It is adorable and delightful to see how much the Boatman loves Eliot and how much Eliot loves the Boatman. The Boatman admires Eliot’s simple and mammal characteristics, and Eliot adores the Boatman’s complex and human characteristics. Their love is so true and so touching.
Me and the Big Black Dog
20. The Boatman reminds me to never give up on my Dreams. My Dreams are to be a fabulous writer and yoga teacher. Many times I feel like I am far from fabulous at both of these things and that they are impossible and I should give up. The Boatman says that I should keep at it. He also says that I should save up my money to meet Kino MacGregor and go to Mysore to practice Ashtanga Yoga because these are my Dreams too. We all need people who believe in our dreams. I hope there is a Boatman for everybody.
21. Going to bed and waking up with the Boatman-these are the best parts. Each time, I can’t believe how lucky I am.
Happy Valentine's Day to All!
p.s. Can Mr. Hot Chocolate & Brownie please email ggirl@eastlink.ca. You met at Steve-o-reno's last month. You ordered a Brownie the size of your head and everyone laughed. Especially you and the ggirl. Email the ggirl. She is charming and stylish and a hilarious writer. Give her a chance. Make a six-word love story!
p.p.s. Follow your heart, and/or follow me on Twitter @mypelvicfloor. And/Or Be Exuberant on Facebook!
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